Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

By Josh Meisner

A few weeks ago in a Cheer and Loathing in the Free World piece I wrote, which I basically cheer or jeer something that peeks my interest,  I gave a resounding cheer to former NBA Player Dikembe Mutumbo for not only his athletic play and overcoming great odds, but also for his charity work. So imagine my shock and I do mean shock when I found out that recently implicated it a plan to smuggle out gold from his native Congo. So this made me to start wondering aloud is there anyone to believe in, that we can hold up a beacon of hope for humanity. Are there no more heroes or role models?

In watching old movies you see young boys idolizing politicians, astronauts or pro athletes. You see them gazing up at their posters or collecting there newspaper clippings where newspaper men carefully posed them with giant grin on their face next to some mop head child. Today that fantasy doesn’t apply. Not that people then were more revered then people now, it’s just that with 24 hour news cycles, twitter, cell phone cams and the hero veneer has slowly been peeled away scuffed and tarnished. Honestly when I think of the last great person who embodied the will to stand for something, the ability to overcome and inspire many people the only person I can think of is Gandhi. Ghandi who passed away over 64 years ago.

Leader, philosopher and humanitarian.

Maybe I try and hold people to too high of a standard and want too much. Yes there are people today trying to and are achieving great things.  Theses all seem like quick flickering lights though in your periphery that you never really catch or see. Maybe I have to change what my definition of a role model or hero should be?  Maybe I need a new word to describe what I think I am searching for. To me a role model or hero for the lack of a better word should inspire you to be a better person and give you hope. I guess you could pick a person in your field and try to emulate their success but I am not sure if that fits the bill. If you are a basketball player and your idol is say Michael Jordan and you want to be a great basketball player he be a good blue print to follow. But is he contributing anything to help propel society to make it better? Is he a good person? Does he make everyone around them better people? Can you look to him and say he will help me overcome a problem I have? These are the questions I ask.

Maybe it’s not heroism or determination that makes a role model.  Maybe we aren’t using the right words. Hero is one often thrown around quite loosely. People who risk their lives are heroes not someone who makes a lot of money on Wall Street or can hit a mammoth homerun.  Captain C.B. “Sully” Sullenberger who landed the plane in the Hudson a few year back and saved lives, he is a hero.  Even though that one event probably did inspire us, lift our sprits and gave us some hope it was a single moment in time.  Maybe its leadership we require? A lead by example type of person who just does more than talk?

There still some feel good moments.

Could  the quality I am looking for is a word that not often used any more. Nobility.  You need to believe that no matter what they won’t waver on their convictions. That in the face of adversity they will do the right thing and not the easy thing.  That they will overcome great odds to do the just thing. They must inspire those around them to be better for the greater good.

Yes this is a tall order. In a me first world where our institutions have decayed (religion, government, sport, science) for a variety of reasons it hard to stand or believe in anything really.  Especially In a world today where we seemed to be programmed to tear down, mock and ridicule anything that even has the smallest shred of purpose or good will behind it.  The occupy protest were mocked and ridiculed due to the fact that there was yes some unsavory and disorganized people at those events. They just wanted some answers. The same thing happened during anti war protest in the late 60’s and early 70’s when yes some unkempt and drug induced youth strayed off course.  President Obama I think came in with the best of intention (you can argue that amongst your selves) but constant undercutting, questions of his birth place to how many cigarettes he had a day were used to take the luster off of any good will he may have intended.  It is so much easier to tear and poke at any ideal or person than it is to accept maybe as crazy as it sounds, that we think we can move people in a positive direction.  Are we that jaded and scared?

So is there any hope? Is there a person with true uncompromising ideals who will give us leadership we so dearly lack? I am not saying one person should have all the answers. I don’t think one person could. It would be nice just to have some symbols. Someone who fights the good fight. Someone who stands up and says this is the problem, this is how we can fix it, follow this path and good will come. It may sound corny, outdated or lame, but the alternative is to believe in no one.  Maybe I’m a dreamer, but I hope I am not the only one.

I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

John Lennon

 

What if we really lived in a WWE Universe?

By Josh Meisner

For those who watch wrestling, more importantly WWE (Formally WWF but we won’t get into that) often the talent will come out to the ring and refer to the WWE Universe. The WWE Universe is a marketing brand they put on the fans of WWE. It’s a clever and smart move by them, but it got me thinking what if we REALLY lived in a world where we were governed by wrestling logic?

7:00- Your alarm blast off with a small amount of pyrotechnics with Hulk Hogan yelling at you  “To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong.” You roll out in your Val Venis robe and decide to eat a dozen eggs and some Vitamins before work.

7:43-Stuck in traffic listening to some generic heavy metal. Is that…is that Fozzy,  Chris Jerichos band?

7:47-You wonder what ever happened to the tag team Men on a Mission?  Did they ever reach their goal? If there goal was to be huge, dress colorfully, rap horribly then disappear, mission accomplished.

7:52-Still in traffic. Now you are pawing at your face trying not to snap. But you want to snap. Stupid construction.

7:53-Shit was that the Brooklyn Brawler holding that construction sign? We aren’t even in Brooklyn.

8:02-Get into the office. You sneak in the back because you are 2 min late. You run into Phil or better know as the Pennsylvanian Pipe Bomb (PPB). Shit why does that guy have 3 colored hair and wearing a mesh top? Anyway he blabbers on how Mr. Bossman wants those progress reports on his desk NOW.

8:07-Finally you get to the punch clock. Good the boss didn’t see you. You will just punch in and…

Boom your music cuts in and pyro goes off. Frig you forgot about that. You are screwed now. You sprint to your cubicle and hide. You think of ways you can blame Hornswaggle for this debacle.

I know I know, I can't believe they replaced Hawaiian Shirt Day with Wacky Tie Day either.

8:09-Oh no here comes that villainous vixen Salacious Samantha. That is a mouth full. You wonder how an inch and a half of leather holds her bozongas in but yet they do. She isn’t anything but trouble. See how she wears her eye makeup? All slanty and dark. Why doesn’t anyone else see this?  She walks over and starts talking about how you two could run things around here. Out of nowhere her hulking boyfriend The Destroyer lumbers over and he is pissed. He starts spiting on you as he yells about you trying to take his girl. He then decides to throw you through the wall of your cubicle. He froths at the mouth and takes off.

9:30- You decide to Grab a drink at the water cooler. Shit here comes PPB. He starts yammering on how he going to be the man around here and how he sorry the Destroyer bashed your head in. He then turns quite and pale and sprints out of there. You know this can’t be good. You turn around. Ah shit it is Mr. Bossman there. He starts berating you on how you were harassing Salacious Samantha and that you were late for work. Oh and where the hell are my progress reports?  He says he would fire you on the spot but he has got a better idea. You have to face The Destroyer in a match and that match is right now. Shit you just wanted to grab a drink of water and maybe cram a granola bar in your stomach.

I think he works in our typing pool

9:45-So you took of your clothes and change into your ring gear, a canary yellow singlet with red swooshes all over it.  You limber up, your music hits and you make your way to the ring. Your co workers are cheering you because well they hate the Destroyer. He big, he loud, he got shitty tattoos and is covered in coconut oil. Note to self, invest in coconut oil. The bastards buy it by the gallon. You see the Ted from human resources is the ref. Good old Ted, you know he will give you a fair shake.

9:50-Ted is a shitty ref. You hate Ted. Samantha distracted him once, which led to you getting the hell choked out of you and another time The Destroyed distracted Ted and you got hit with a damn purse with a brick in it. Who carries a purse with a brick in it? What Ted, me screaming and thrashing around isn’t enough for you to turn around and take a peek at what is happening? Christ I guess you will have to figure this out yourself.

9:54- You somehow hit him with a stunner and get the pin. You are glad that over though, because you are behind on your paper work today.

Noon-Good its lunch time. Ric Flair calls you up and wants to know if you want to do lunch. Hell yes after the morning you had. Wings and beer baby. Wooooooooooooooooooo.

1:00- Good power lunch with Ric. The rest of the day should go well. All you have to do is walk back in the building. Wait what that? Is that a speeding car?  Headed right for you? What shall you do? Good thing there some cardboard boxes conveniently placed that you can throw your carcass on. Who was behind the wheel of that car? Why is there a camera man there filming this? Hey camera man do you see who was driving? No? You didn’t think so.

This is Gus. He works in our mail room.

1:06-You are kinda creeped out at the moment. The guy who works in the cubicle next to you before lunch was dark and  brooding and yelled “ I am a rabid junkyard dog ready to chew your ass up” in every conversation you ever had with him. Now he dressed in a dash-eke dancing like he on soul train. You guess you  wasn’t suppose to notice or question this? This office is messed up.  You liked it better when Barry Horowitz use to work next to you. He just pat himself on the back for a good job done.

1:35- You go see Mr. Bossman to see if he will do anything about security in the parking lot. He calls you puke and tells you to get out of his office. Well that was a bit much. That issue will not be resolved any time soon. You wonder who it was driving that car? Was it Ric? Was it Frank the Tank from accounting? Who set you up?

2:15-Taking an early break. Today has been messed up. A memo was sent out how Mike” The Hammer” Peluso was apparently dragged to hell. That sucks, but that does mean there an opening on the 4^th floor. Hmmmm.

2:16-PPB all in your face again going on about how The Hammer was drug to hell. Yeah you know.  You got the memo. He keeps blathering on. You finally say the hell with this and smash him in the head with a chair. Problem solved.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your lukewarm coffee.

Who want's to buy 50/50 tickets? We are raising money for Jenny's boob augmentation.

2:50-Mr.Bossman is screaming at you for nailing PPB. He thinks you are out of control. You say how you are getting sick of how things are being run down here. You never get considered for promotion, you almost got killed outside by a run away car, The Hammer got drug to hell, Sid Vicious won’t approve your expense report and shit this is only Monday. So you do the sensible thing and challenge him to a steel cage match. Enough of this bullshit. Let’s get this straightened out right now.

3:10-Putting on your yellow singlet again. This is my shot to show what I got. You are pumped. Got a text from Koko B. Ware saying good luck.  You’re flexing and ready to go. Crap here Salacious Samantha again. She says she sorry for what happened earlier. She so full of shit.  She is trying to throw you off before your match. She EVIIIIIIIIIL. Wait its Melissa Sparks. She so nice and perky.  She the only one in tech support who doesn’t have an attitude.  Also she is hoooot. She tells Samantha to get out of your face. Wait why is she defending me? I can take care of myself.  Sparks just slapped the shit out of Samantha. Damn.  Well at least they aren’t doing porn like Chyna(sadly true).

4:20-Your music hits and you head to the ring with pyro blasting off . Your Co workers are going nuts. This has been building for what seems like forever. Then you think Christ you got to crawl in that cage? This might not have been a good idea. You see Mike from human resources is doing this match. You hate human resources.

4:21-Mr. Bossman music hits. There are boos everywhere. People are yelling things that they would never say to a normal human being.

4:26- You am stomping Bossman. You are completely dominating him. You are positive you will win this match. There no doubt.

4:27-Son of a bitch had brass knuckles. But the ref is outside and won’t do anything. F’ing refs.

4:29-He is now trying to get out of the cage while you lay there bleeding from the brass knuckles. He is going over the top, but the door right there. Anyway, your head is groggy from the pounding you just took.  You guess you better go stop him.  Good thing for some reason he taking his sweet time throwing his leg over the top of the cage.

Look, I am more then a quota filler sir. I finished at the top of my business class with a 3.95 GPA.

4:30-You grab him by the trunks, exposing his backside to for all to see. Sorry folks. You yank him back down and you both crash to the mat with a giant thud. You are staring up at the ceiling praying to Andre the Giant to help you. Your back is killing you and you don’t know if this is classified as a work place accident or not? Note to self: Call your lawyer David Otunga.

4:31- You both stumble to our feet with the crowd urging you on. Ugh. This is brutal. Some guy outside the ring is broadcasting to the audience to stop the insanity.  The lights go out. Now what the hell is going on? You are getting to old for this shit.

4:32-Oh shit. It’s the Death Dealer. He is the one who drug The Hammer to hell. What he doing here? I thought he was at a conference in Mesa, Phoenix. What he want? He probably still pissed at either the Mr. Bossman  removing the Colombian Roast Coffee  from the lunch room or that you ate part of his lunch one day by accident. It was an honest mistake. You both had Macho Man lunch bags.  You are screwed.

4:33-Death Dealer kicking everyone’s asses. He is a monster. He definitely got rage issues.  Probably mommy issues too but now not a good time to bring that up. He still mad about his lunch, hence the power bomb you just received. Mr. Bossman is laughing hysterically at you. That ass is going to win except the Death Dealer then power bombs him and promptly leaves.  So here we are again back to square one.

I hate it when the vending machine have no ketchup chips left in it.

4:42-After a tired back and forth your finally hit him with a flying elbow drop to stun Mr. Bossman and use what left of your brain to crawl out the ring door. Thank Jesus that over with.  Your music is blasting and the place is going nuts. Then the mood changes.  You  look up the ramp and see…Ric Flair.  After a series of woos he starts saying how he should be the one getting a promotion. How he is overlooked and how he going to do everything in his power to make your life a living hell. He admits he tried to run you over because you stand in his way.  In order to be the man you got to beat the man. He dead drops the microphone and leaves.

4:55- You still try to comprehend what happened. You change out of your ring attire and get ready to go home and crawl under your Degeneration X sheets.  Some guy with a microphone runs up to you and asks for your reaction to what just happened. The logical thing to do would be call the cops about the attempted his and run or occupational health and safety about your work place conditions or start looking for a new job cause you just beat the crap out of your boss.  But this is the WWE Universe. You calmly turn to the camera, look right into it and say “Ric, you want a piece of me, tomorrow in front of the whole entire WWE Universe I will show you who the man is. “ Cut to logo and fade to black.

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Jan 12th, 2012

Hello everybody it’s a new year. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and be less harsh and critical. I’m going to be more open minded and less judgmental.  Be at peace and understand that I can’t control everything and that Even though I may disagree with something it is still ok. Nah I’m just shitting you. As I would like to often proclaim in the 90’s and still do to this day, I am keeping it real yo.

Loath-Online Magazine Subscription sties: I probably wouldn’t have brought this up until I received my issue of Movie Maker magazine in the mail. There was nothing wrong with the issue. It was in pristine condition still hermetically sealed in a lovely plastic sleeve. So why am I so perturbed? Maybe because this is the 3^rd issue I have received in over 2 F@$King years. I have a bi monthly subscription so by my math I have missed 9 issues.  This is the second company I have had issues with. The first didn’t even bother to send me ANY issues out.  Maybe it’s with the actual magazine company its self. All I know is that online subscription ordering is dead to me. Arseholes.

Cheer: Space– Yes the great big black thing in the sky that is littered with stars. Why do I cheer space? Unlike most thing anyone can try and bull shit their way through, (cars, sports, history) almost no one knows what the hell is going on up there.  How does a black hole really work, I don’t know. Is there little green men out there watching us? There might be. Is there a planet made of chocolate and nougat? It very well maybe children. Also because of that giant void, of which we know little, we as humans shoot up satellites, probes, and men into space to find out stuff.   When they try and find out stuff, they develop new technologies and make advancement in science.  Let’s face it, if we knew everything about space or had no urge to go there we wouldn’t have a quarter of the stuff we do now. Most likely there would be no microwaves, no jet airplanes and no tang. (Note: Does anyone drink tang anymore. I am just asking)

Loath: Posting shit you bought on facebook-I’m sorry this is such a shallow thing. I would estimate that over 95 percent of the time it’s not a innocent “Hey everybody just to let you know so you aren’t confused I bought a new car”.  It has more the tone “Hey you damn losers look at all the shit I just bought and makes me better then you. You are lucky that you are privileged enough to see my shit. F@#ktards.”  Oh look you bought a new sweater. Wow what earth shattering news. You own stuff. Wow you are just the most amazing person in the world.  The only thing shallower is…

Loath: Posting self pics of yourself all the time-Facebook says you need a picture of yourself on your profile to identify who you are. So if you take a self pic so you have something on there I do understand. It is facebook law and that the most powerful law there is. There are people out there though who whole pic inventory are pictures of themselves. I knew one girl who every week there was a new self pic on there. Not cause she got a new hair cut or something that altered her appearance such as a giant spike in her head. . She just looooooooved photographing herself. You people know who you are. Just stop it. (Note: when searching for a pic or video for an example i came across whole sites dedicated to this self indulgence. One site called Hot Self shots where girls take naked pics of themselves. . Frig. )

Keeping it classy and making dad proud.

Cheer: Netflix feedback system– Netflix has had a rough year. I mean ROUGH. Whether it be about them shutting down there home delivery service, to the quality of their product or just there public image.  But I will give Netflix props in one area. They often send me email either wondering how the quality of their video was (usually good but sometimes a bit fuzzy) or how they can improve their service.  Now I am not sure how well they are implementing this but the fact is they want to know how their doing to provide a better product. Wouldn’t it be nice if your cable provider sent you a email saying “how was our feed” or a network saying “How can we improve this show cause frankly we are out of ideas?”

Many companies such as cell phone, cable and utilities don’t give a shit cause often there the only game in town.  For example a neighbor of mine recently complained that his bandwidth had dropped from approximately 3 gig to 1.5. The rep basically told them there were more people using the network and that the reason for the drop. Well he was paying for 3 and now paying the same for less. He asked if anything was to be done about it, they and was told there was nothing they can do. (or want to) Unfortunately they are the only provider in the area and they have you over a barrel. Even though Netflix is a mess, they are at least trying to find a way out of there mess.  Just the fact they want to know how there doing and are at least making an effort to fix it.  As a customer of anywhere the fact someone is putting in an effort goes along way with me.  Now Netflix do not fail me or I must break you.

by Josh Meisner

Hey Hollywood, Listen up

Every year Hollywood try valiantly/in vain to create a movie going experience that will entertain and make money. Honestly these execs are probably somewhat smart people but they get so oversaturated with film, ideas and pressure to make a hit they often produce glossy and generically bad stuff. So Hollywood, if you are listening I will pitch some ideas that will either be judged as pure genius or pure insanity. (At the very least it be entertaining)

 Perfect Strangers: The Movie-Starring Johnny Depp, Kevin Pollack Director????

I’m sorry that Hollywood is so desperate for movie ideas that they will soon completely tap out the comic book and pre 1980’s TV market.  This is the next logical step. Balki Bartokomous, the loveable fish out of water being played by the charismatic and talented Mr. Depp.  Producers just give him a lot of space to create this character. Kevin Pollack, (a highly underrated actor), to play the neurotic and over the top Cousin Larry. You could build a plot around Balki showing up on Larry’s door step who trying to make it in the big city (Keep it Chicago.  NY and Boston and LA have been done to death in movies). Then for some reason pesky homeland security agent (let’s make it Will Farrell or maybe John Hamm) believes that Balki Is up to some shenanigans.  Cast two hot young actresses as the air attendant neighbors and turn part of the movie into a bit of a chase throughout the streets of Chicago and you got yourself at worse a movie of the caliber of Due Date.

Where Waldo? Starring Kevin Spacey, Ryan Gosling, Blake Lively  Directed By David Fincher

Ok it is official that MGM already holds the rights to this book series yet they don’t know what to really do with it probably. Seriously how would you make a whole movie about a kid’s picture book where you well have to find Waldo. This is my pitch.

Turn the story into Kevin Spacey playing the mysterious Waldo, a serial killer who has the ability to mimic voices and people and blend into the background.  Cast the super hot (career wise not physically not that I think of men in that way) as they young hot shot San Diego detective via Baltimore who ends up with the case. Blake Lively will play Gosling pseudo girlfriend who has issues of her own.  No kictcy love story just two people dealing with relationship shit. I would also cast Lou Diamond Phillips as Goslings older wiser partner though he ends up buying it about 25 min in cause Gosling went into a crime scene gung ho. At worse this is Seven or Kiss the Girls.

 Wooooo: The Rick Flair Movie Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)

Ok I don’t know who stars in this, but coming off the success of the Wrestler this is a great subject matter. Rick Flair is a flamboyant, interesting and tragic character. Plus there wrestling but make it focus more about the person life. It would follow the career from the very early beginnings to his present day life. Show how his reality and his character seem to overlap.  I would do it like biopic I’m Not There (the Bob Dylan movie). You can have multiple people playing him at different points of his career. From his rise in the wrestling ranks and pop culture, his numerous legal and financial troubles, career choices and pitfalls and the pure exploration of his mystique.  At worse this would be Ali.

 

Tweeter and the Monkey Man- Starring Aaron Johnson (No Where Boy) James MacAvoy(Xmen), Mary Elizabeth Winstead(Scott Pilgram),  Hunter Parish (Weeds) Director Coens Brothers

This is the famous Traveling Willberries song depicts the friend’s ship of heroine dealer and his Vietnam vet friend on the run from the law.  This movie not only would be targeted at older audience (song references and nostalgia) but would have a cast of young and talented actors. This could be a very well done movie set against the back drop of the late 70’s.  Focusing on how every character has there own points of view on the world.  It would focus Tweeter the ex vet (Aaron Johnson) who did what he thought was right and served his country but feels empty and his loyalty to his friend monkey man(James McAvoy or possibly Gordon Joseph Levitt). He would be more the middle of the road character. Monkey man a down and out drug dealer who just wants a piece of the American dream. An extreme left and anti mainstream character. The undercover cop( Lets say Hunter Parish of Weeds)  who believes he is doing the right thing trying to catch the Monkey man, though his judgment is somewhat clouded by his sister named Jan (Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Jennifer lawerence from X-Men) who is under the spell of the Monkey Mans counter culture ways.  How will it end? Who knows? The a cool 70’s  background and heavily conflicted characters who each have their own agendas and morals makes for an interesting plot. Plus the Coens brothers ability to create interesting and quirky characters is a plus. At worse this would be Almost Famous.

They Call Me Julius- Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Brad Pitt, Christopher Waltz, Scarlett Johansson , and a cast of thousands Director: Quentin Tarentino

Ok I have no real plot except this. After Pulp Fiction the character Julius (my man Sam) said he was going to walk the earth. Pick it up in present time in say Florida where Julius is still looking for some sort of internal piece. Sam for the most part has gone straight, but then he gets simply caught up in some straight up bull shit.  Have him meet various characters trying not to be bad ass but he is still bad ass. Christopher Waltz as the main villain, in a movie of villains and interesting characters. Maybe Brad Pitt as a lowlife pusher who doesn’t have a clue about anything except surfboards and weed.  Scarlett Johansson as the lovely lady of the film who seems to stir the pot. Quentin please do this. It would be fantastic.  Groin grabbingly fantastic. At worse this would be ummm,.. I don’t know. It just be sweet.

By Josh Meisner

The Magical World Of Vern Fonk

About a month ago I was bombing around on YouTube and I came across a peculiar Christmas ad for Vern Fonk Auto Insurance. It is a insurance business based out of Seattle, Washington. After watching one of his ads is was mesmerized/traumatized and perplexized. (Hey if snoop can make up words so can I).  Needless to say I wanted to know more about this guy. Was I being put on buy some local improve group who made up this fictional ad?  Was this guy insane? I had no idea.

Most of his ads seem to use many quick pop culture and movie references.  Usually poorly done but entertaining. So I tried to find some more info on this guy. Do to my research on trusty/not so trusty Wikipedia, I found out much to my shock the guy in the ad who you think is Vern Fonk is not the real Vern Fonk. (Will the real Vern Fonk please stand up.)

The man who you think is Vern real name is  Rob Thielke who is a manager at one of his offices who  writes these off beat ads. The real Vern Fonk died in 2006. This made me sad because deep down inside because  I wanted Vern to be some whacked out entrepreneur who sold auto insurance but also dreamed of being a superstar a la Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Seriously this guy will do anything to get your attention.

Help I’m Being Oppressed.

Even though there is no real Vern Fonk, the spirt of Vern Fonk lives on.  I applaud his be kind rewind approach to ads despite probably most peoples use of common sense.  Who knows this could be what State Farm and SunLife insurance ads could look like in five years.  To check out more of his odd ads, just go to youtube and type in Vern Fonk. Who knows what you might find.

By Josh Meisner

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Dec 28

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Dec 28

This will be a short and sweet Cheer and Loathing due to the fact that you got holiday treats to eat, visit people you don’t necessarily want too and gifts to return.

Cheer: Dikembe Mutumbo– NBA hall of famer (well he should be), last true dominating defensive center (sorry Dwight Howard) and humanitarian supreme. Mutumbo helped build a hospital in the Congo which he donated up to 15 million dollars towards the project. Plus he has one of the deepest voices I have ever heard. That it, I am naming my first kid Dikembe. Come on that a sweet name though it might be hard to find personalized shirts, bracelets and vanity plates.

Did I mention he also speak around 8 languages and had his own McDonalds meal deal.

Loath: Dudes who wear shorts in freezing temperatures-Sorry I don’t get it. I can only theorize why they do it. My theories are:

a)      That there junk is set at a temperature of 120c and that if they don’t cool them down they will explode like an aerosol cans in an open fire

b)      I JUST HATE PANTS. They make me so angry.

c)       Look how tough I am. See I’m tough. Don’t believe I’m tough. I have frostbite. See tough.

d)      My legs are so sexy that it be a shame to hide them from the public.

e)       They allow quick ventilation for my farts to escape quicker for if they stay collect in my pants people will die.

Loath: New Years Resolutions-Hey I am all for those who want to feel better about themselves. Whether it be to loose weight, stop smoking, watch more porn, or whatever. But I hate when people attach these resolutions to specific events or dates. If you want to do something with your life do it NOW. Why wait 3 days. If you want to learn guitar, go get one now and start.  Unless you belive in the whole end of the world thing, then do whatever the hell you want.  Just remember if you are wrong you still have to report to work on Monday.

Cheer: Boxing day sales-Low prices, Giant TVs for sales, a smorgasbord of deals.

Loath: Boxing day sales-At the end I hate Boxing Day sales. What all the stuff you got for Christmas wasn’t enough. Also it’s the ultimate buyer’s remorse day. Wait what that TV I bought with a 70 dollar saving is now 200 dollars cheaper! Christ how much is the mark up on this crap. Also the fact people like on  Black Friday rush through doors trampeling old ladies to buy crap.  At least Black Friday you are buying stuff for other people and not for yourself (in theory). What do you really need after Christmas that you would stand outside in the cold 7 o’clock in the morning with a bunch of sleepy eyed people who haven’t showered because it’s the holidays.  Yet every year I look at the flyers. It’s like crack especially to someone who likes electronics.

by Josh Meisner

Why this ad will ruin someone’s day.

Ok the whole running joke of this Dentyne ice ad is that you have to practice safe breath. But they make it the equivalent of buying condoms/rubbers/jimmy hats which is the supposed joke. This is not a rant about the quality of the joke, but I know right now there some dumb ass thinking “hey if I chew this gum she won’t get knocked up”  Unfortunately those are the people who can barely walk and chew gum at the same time let alone hump and chew gum.  Honestly in a world where we put disclaimers on EVERYTHING because we have to guard against the stupidest people doing stupid things this one doesn’t have one. That why bags have warning  on them saying this bag is not a toy or when you watch a commercial with a stunt in it tell you in fine print do not attempt this, trained professionals.  I am horrified to think right now there some dude banging away thinking this is the greatest birth control method since the classics like “she won’t get pregnant if we have sex standing up” or” if I am on top” or”the pull out method.”  Or worse the guy who has more than one brain cell (maybe as high as 3) will chew it and stick it on the end of their dingle dangle. God I hate to answer that 911 call.

911:Hello 911 what is your emergency?

Dude: I’m stuck

911: Ok sir where are u stuck?

Dude: Umm err inside of my girlfriend?

Girl: Jesus don’t use my name and I’m not your girlfriend we just met.

911: Where are you?

Dude: I told you inside her.

911: Where your location that you are stuck

Dude: Umm that kinda inapropriate asking me about my sexual habits.

Girl: Jesus we are in Dairy Queen bathroom. Hurry and get me away from this moron.

Dude: You said take you somewhere nice woman!

911: Sir just how in the hell did you get stuck?

Dude: I got Dentyne gum on the end of my Jimmy Johnson.

911: You are sad case of humanity sir. CLICK

So please makers of Dentyne put a disclaimer on this commercial. Save some poor girl or paramedic the embarrassment. It is your public duty to try and stop dipshits from trying to ruin the rest of our lives.

 

By Josh Meisner

After Much Deduction Podcast Dec 20th part 2

Hey everyone. Here is part 2 of our pod cast where Wade Fralic and myself preview more movies coming out for 2012. We touch on Django Unchained, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and The Avengers to name a few. Enjoy.

Part 2

http://www.divshare.com/download/16430144-3a7

After Much Deduction PODCAST Dec 19th, 2011

Hey everybody. Yeah I know you were asking where the pod casts? Well the new pod cast is up and its a two parter. Wade Fralic and I discuss what is lined up for 2012 in the cinemas. In part one we touch on mostly sequels, reboots and spin-offs. Expendables 2,  The Dark Knight Rises and 21 Jump Street are just some of the topics we touch on. No we are not trapped in a 1920 telephone either. Listen and you will hear why?

Part 1

http://www.divshare.com/download/16429923-ef3

An Open Letter to Dave Chappelle

Dear Dave,

Sorry if it’s too formal for calling you Dave. I’m sure there guys out there always trying to give you advice, still yelling I’m Rick James Bitch at you and wondering if you fell the fuck off.  Those are not the reasons  why I am writing this letter. This is a thank you letter.

Thank you for the Chappelle show, that was a given. Thank you for your candid stand up. That is also a given.

This is me thanking you in a fame seeking and everyone wants to be a star world that you had the balls to hit the reset button and realize what is important to you.  Sure the money was must of been awesome (50 million or so they say) but damn what the money worth if you aren’t happy.  I look at people like Kim Kardasian (If you see a Kardasian and there are no cameras around does she really exist?)  who lets face it, needs  her show to justify her existence.  You see washed up actor enter celebrity boxing shows or rehab shows trying to reignite some last hope of fame.

Your show was ground breaking, honest and very funny. You decided that fame wasn’t as important as your family, your stand up or your happiness.  There are many people out there who have professions that when they look in the mirror they wonder if the price they are paying is worth it? Is it worth selling out what you think is important to you.  It sounds like a simple thing yet we all seem to get caught up in some bullshit.

Watch this clip. Insight and level headedness of supposed crazy Dave Chappelle

So thank you for what you have given us. Who knows there maybe another chapter in your life in which you come back on your own terms and give us more.  If so great, power to you.  If not continue living your life your way and keep doing your stand up if that what makes you happy.

Sincerly

Josh Meisner