Hey Hollywood, Listen up

Every year Hollywood try valiantly/in vain to create a movie going experience that will entertain and make money. Honestly these execs are probably somewhat smart people but they get so oversaturated with film, ideas and pressure to make a hit they often produce glossy and generically bad stuff. So Hollywood, if you are listening I will pitch some ideas that will either be judged as pure genius or pure insanity. (At the very least it be entertaining)

 Perfect Strangers: The Movie-Starring Johnny Depp, Kevin Pollack Director????

I’m sorry that Hollywood is so desperate for movie ideas that they will soon completely tap out the comic book and pre 1980’s TV market.  This is the next logical step. Balki Bartokomous, the loveable fish out of water being played by the charismatic and talented Mr. Depp.  Producers just give him a lot of space to create this character. Kevin Pollack, (a highly underrated actor), to play the neurotic and over the top Cousin Larry. You could build a plot around Balki showing up on Larry’s door step who trying to make it in the big city (Keep it Chicago.  NY and Boston and LA have been done to death in movies). Then for some reason pesky homeland security agent (let’s make it Will Farrell or maybe John Hamm) believes that Balki Is up to some shenanigans.  Cast two hot young actresses as the air attendant neighbors and turn part of the movie into a bit of a chase throughout the streets of Chicago and you got yourself at worse a movie of the caliber of Due Date.

Where Waldo? Starring Kevin Spacey, Ryan Gosling, Blake Lively  Directed By David Fincher

Ok it is official that MGM already holds the rights to this book series yet they don’t know what to really do with it probably. Seriously how would you make a whole movie about a kid’s picture book where you well have to find Waldo. This is my pitch.

Turn the story into Kevin Spacey playing the mysterious Waldo, a serial killer who has the ability to mimic voices and people and blend into the background.  Cast the super hot (career wise not physically not that I think of men in that way) as they young hot shot San Diego detective via Baltimore who ends up with the case. Blake Lively will play Gosling pseudo girlfriend who has issues of her own.  No kictcy love story just two people dealing with relationship shit. I would also cast Lou Diamond Phillips as Goslings older wiser partner though he ends up buying it about 25 min in cause Gosling went into a crime scene gung ho. At worse this is Seven or Kiss the Girls.

 Wooooo: The Rick Flair Movie Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)

Ok I don’t know who stars in this, but coming off the success of the Wrestler this is a great subject matter. Rick Flair is a flamboyant, interesting and tragic character. Plus there wrestling but make it focus more about the person life. It would follow the career from the very early beginnings to his present day life. Show how his reality and his character seem to overlap.  I would do it like biopic I’m Not There (the Bob Dylan movie). You can have multiple people playing him at different points of his career. From his rise in the wrestling ranks and pop culture, his numerous legal and financial troubles, career choices and pitfalls and the pure exploration of his mystique.  At worse this would be Ali.

 

Tweeter and the Monkey Man- Starring Aaron Johnson (No Where Boy) James MacAvoy(Xmen), Mary Elizabeth Winstead(Scott Pilgram),  Hunter Parish (Weeds) Director Coens Brothers

This is the famous Traveling Willberries song depicts the friend’s ship of heroine dealer and his Vietnam vet friend on the run from the law.  This movie not only would be targeted at older audience (song references and nostalgia) but would have a cast of young and talented actors. This could be a very well done movie set against the back drop of the late 70’s.  Focusing on how every character has there own points of view on the world.  It would focus Tweeter the ex vet (Aaron Johnson) who did what he thought was right and served his country but feels empty and his loyalty to his friend monkey man(James McAvoy or possibly Gordon Joseph Levitt). He would be more the middle of the road character. Monkey man a down and out drug dealer who just wants a piece of the American dream. An extreme left and anti mainstream character. The undercover cop( Lets say Hunter Parish of Weeds)  who believes he is doing the right thing trying to catch the Monkey man, though his judgment is somewhat clouded by his sister named Jan (Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Jennifer lawerence from X-Men) who is under the spell of the Monkey Mans counter culture ways.  How will it end? Who knows? The a cool 70’s  background and heavily conflicted characters who each have their own agendas and morals makes for an interesting plot. Plus the Coens brothers ability to create interesting and quirky characters is a plus. At worse this would be Almost Famous.

They Call Me Julius- Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Brad Pitt, Christopher Waltz, Scarlett Johansson , and a cast of thousands Director: Quentin Tarentino

Ok I have no real plot except this. After Pulp Fiction the character Julius (my man Sam) said he was going to walk the earth. Pick it up in present time in say Florida where Julius is still looking for some sort of internal piece. Sam for the most part has gone straight, but then he gets simply caught up in some straight up bull shit.  Have him meet various characters trying not to be bad ass but he is still bad ass. Christopher Waltz as the main villain, in a movie of villains and interesting characters. Maybe Brad Pitt as a lowlife pusher who doesn’t have a clue about anything except surfboards and weed.  Scarlett Johansson as the lovely lady of the film who seems to stir the pot. Quentin please do this. It would be fantastic.  Groin grabbingly fantastic. At worse this would be ummm,.. I don’t know. It just be sweet.

By Josh Meisner