Open Letter to Colonel Sanders

Dear Ghost of Colonel Sanders,

Hey buddy, how is it going? I know you are busy and all running dealing with this whole bankruptcy protection mess in Canada. That is a lot for someone to handle let alone doing this being a ghost. You are probably wondering over the year where did you go wrong?

Look I don’t know if it is really your fault or not. Sure the governments basically forced your hand in the tasty trans fats column. I guess they had to protect us from your once succulent chicken. I missed the days you would bring a bucket home and you could see through the box and view those magnificent golden brown pieces. Those were good times. That and that funky Oopee ball you use to have. You remember it was basically a beach ball that you put water in one end and it went all nuts o. Wow what destructive times we had.  (Oh and the looney toons mugs were awesome as well)

But hey that was the past. You have to adapt.  So they took away your fat. I know it hurts but let’s face it your product was slipping.  You 11 herbs and spices seemed to have dropped to 7. I know there no way to verify that but damn it the pop wasn’t there anymore.  You then went from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC. Sure it was shorter and hipper I guess (like lol and omg) but once the words Kentucky and fried disappeared I felt I was just eating regular ass chicken. I think this even affected your French fries. Your fries seem to always be limp and sad. I just don’t know if this was they felt they were an afterthought and lost their self esteem or maybe they just felt they were just a gravy delivery device and they needed not to be strong and proud.  The final nail in the coffin I do believe is when you tried to pass KFC off as Kitchen Fresh Chicken. I have eaten chicken in my kitchen. It in no way resembled this. Maybe in the colonel’s house but never mine.  In the famous words of Chris Berman “Come on man”.

I know you tried to win us back. You tried to adapt. You tried skinless chicken for those health nuts out there, there was the extra crispy stage, and recently it was the double down. But let’s face it. Without the original taste you were bound to fail. Also with chicken joints like Popeyes Chicken and Chick-fil-a breathing down your neck it became quite the cruel chicken market out there.

                Kentucky Fried Chicken use to be a treat. Your grinning goateed faced smiling at us as we scarffed down your chicken (more specifically your chicken skin) your lovely array of coleslaw and mock potato salad (sorry it’s not like homemade potato salad. I’m not even sure if under the definition of salads it’s a salad. I guess it’s better than calling it potatoes with mayo and small red things I think that are radish) A nice side of fries topped with your delicious gravy. But now you are just KFC and well to be honest that not the same.

I wish you the best of luck Colonel. I hope you get everything straightened out and get back to basics. Greasy chicken, succulent gravey and crazy promotions.

 

Sincerely

Josh Meisner

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

By Josh Meisner

A few weeks ago in a Cheer and Loathing in the Free World piece I wrote, which I basically cheer or jeer something that peeks my interest,  I gave a resounding cheer to former NBA Player Dikembe Mutumbo for not only his athletic play and overcoming great odds, but also for his charity work. So imagine my shock and I do mean shock when I found out that recently implicated it a plan to smuggle out gold from his native Congo. So this made me to start wondering aloud is there anyone to believe in, that we can hold up a beacon of hope for humanity. Are there no more heroes or role models?

In watching old movies you see young boys idolizing politicians, astronauts or pro athletes. You see them gazing up at their posters or collecting there newspaper clippings where newspaper men carefully posed them with giant grin on their face next to some mop head child. Today that fantasy doesn’t apply. Not that people then were more revered then people now, it’s just that with 24 hour news cycles, twitter, cell phone cams and the hero veneer has slowly been peeled away scuffed and tarnished. Honestly when I think of the last great person who embodied the will to stand for something, the ability to overcome and inspire many people the only person I can think of is Gandhi. Ghandi who passed away over 64 years ago.

Leader, philosopher and humanitarian.

Maybe I try and hold people to too high of a standard and want too much. Yes there are people today trying to and are achieving great things.  Theses all seem like quick flickering lights though in your periphery that you never really catch or see. Maybe I have to change what my definition of a role model or hero should be?  Maybe I need a new word to describe what I think I am searching for. To me a role model or hero for the lack of a better word should inspire you to be a better person and give you hope. I guess you could pick a person in your field and try to emulate their success but I am not sure if that fits the bill. If you are a basketball player and your idol is say Michael Jordan and you want to be a great basketball player he be a good blue print to follow. But is he contributing anything to help propel society to make it better? Is he a good person? Does he make everyone around them better people? Can you look to him and say he will help me overcome a problem I have? These are the questions I ask.

Maybe it’s not heroism or determination that makes a role model.  Maybe we aren’t using the right words. Hero is one often thrown around quite loosely. People who risk their lives are heroes not someone who makes a lot of money on Wall Street or can hit a mammoth homerun.  Captain C.B. “Sully” Sullenberger who landed the plane in the Hudson a few year back and saved lives, he is a hero.  Even though that one event probably did inspire us, lift our sprits and gave us some hope it was a single moment in time.  Maybe its leadership we require? A lead by example type of person who just does more than talk?

There still some feel good moments.

Could  the quality I am looking for is a word that not often used any more. Nobility.  You need to believe that no matter what they won’t waver on their convictions. That in the face of adversity they will do the right thing and not the easy thing.  That they will overcome great odds to do the just thing. They must inspire those around them to be better for the greater good.

Yes this is a tall order. In a me first world where our institutions have decayed (religion, government, sport, science) for a variety of reasons it hard to stand or believe in anything really.  Especially In a world today where we seemed to be programmed to tear down, mock and ridicule anything that even has the smallest shred of purpose or good will behind it.  The occupy protest were mocked and ridiculed due to the fact that there was yes some unsavory and disorganized people at those events. They just wanted some answers. The same thing happened during anti war protest in the late 60’s and early 70’s when yes some unkempt and drug induced youth strayed off course.  President Obama I think came in with the best of intention (you can argue that amongst your selves) but constant undercutting, questions of his birth place to how many cigarettes he had a day were used to take the luster off of any good will he may have intended.  It is so much easier to tear and poke at any ideal or person than it is to accept maybe as crazy as it sounds, that we think we can move people in a positive direction.  Are we that jaded and scared?

So is there any hope? Is there a person with true uncompromising ideals who will give us leadership we so dearly lack? I am not saying one person should have all the answers. I don’t think one person could. It would be nice just to have some symbols. Someone who fights the good fight. Someone who stands up and says this is the problem, this is how we can fix it, follow this path and good will come. It may sound corny, outdated or lame, but the alternative is to believe in no one.  Maybe I’m a dreamer, but I hope I am not the only one.

I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

John Lennon

 

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World: Going to the Moives

by Josh Meisner

Going to the movies is one of my favorite things to do but like many social endeavors there are both positives and negatives to this experience. So without further ado ill skip the movie trivia, past the commercials and trailer and get right to the feature presentation.

Loath: No More Ticket Stubs-This is a small pet peeve of mine. Many people like to save ticket stubs as keepsakes. That very thin piece of card paper felt as it had soul.  Just the textile feel of it made you think you were doing something special. Now all you get is a slip of paper that really has no more sentimental value then a debit recite.

Cheer: Ticket Kiosk- This is a great idea. You don’t have to stand in line; you can zip in on your lunch break and pick up the tickets for the evening and be guaranteed a seat. Quick, simple and effective.

Loath: Ticket Kiosk with food option-What the point of the food option? Ok it be nice if you could pre order your tickets and popcorn if you could just walk in at it be there waiting for you. But if it’s like the theater I go to, the food concession line and the ticket line IS THE SAME LINE. So you are not saving any time or gaining any real advantage.  Your service isn’t faster, your drinks aren’t colder and your popcorn is poppier.

Loath: The book was better-This one drives me batty. Look there reasons why the book might have been better

1) No matter how good of a director you have, or script or CGI, it is almost impossible to translate what you conjure up in your mind up on the screen. The job of an author is to describe an environment, a scene or a mood and let you the reader fill in all the blanks. So when they say Bill is a tall and dark stranger your version of Bill may be different then the on screen portrayal.  It happens, get over with.

2) Time constraints are a big reason film and the books differ. A book can go on and have very little constraints in size. A film must fit into an allotted time frame that determined by budget, the studio and the director. So yes sometimes scenes that you may feel that are important to the story may have to be dropped or condensed. Also some scenes also don’t simply translate well to the screen.

3) Sometimes this is just simply said so that you let everyone know that you read a book. Congrats. You are special and you are a mega fan. Now can I watch this film and see what this directors interpretation is?

Loath:Info Bombing in the Theater-If you have read the book or seen the original of this film or been reading blogs nonstop about said film, please try and keep this info to yourself. Example: I recently saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and a couple next to me kept going on nonstop about plot points.  The whole time I was internally going LALLALALLALLAL. Please be aware other around you may not want know what going to happen.  Don’t ruin it for others around you or want to judge the film on its own merit.

Loath: Scooch over-OK so I arrived early, got a good seat and I am settled in. Then during the trailers a group of 8 people stumble in and ask you to scooch down a few seats so they all can sit together. WTF? I am in my seat, purposely got here early to get a good seat, I have my ass finally comfortable and now you want me to scooch Did I make you go stand in line for 20 minutes to get milk duds? Is it my fault your friend John is always late? Is it my fault it take 2 hours for your girlfriend to Spackle her war paint on? No, that what I thought. Plan ahead and live with the consequences.

Cheer :The theater going experience of community-Seeing a movie in a theatre is one of the last communal things we do in the world. It’s one of the very few things that people of all walks of life can share together.  It doesn’t matter your income or race a group of strangers can stare at a big screen and share screams, laughs and oh my god moments as one.  This for me is the reason why movie theatres still exist and hopefully always will.

What if we really lived in a WWE Universe?

By Josh Meisner

For those who watch wrestling, more importantly WWE (Formally WWF but we won’t get into that) often the talent will come out to the ring and refer to the WWE Universe. The WWE Universe is a marketing brand they put on the fans of WWE. It’s a clever and smart move by them, but it got me thinking what if we REALLY lived in a world where we were governed by wrestling logic?

7:00- Your alarm blast off with a small amount of pyrotechnics with Hulk Hogan yelling at you  “To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong.” You roll out in your Val Venis robe and decide to eat a dozen eggs and some Vitamins before work.

7:43-Stuck in traffic listening to some generic heavy metal. Is that…is that Fozzy,  Chris Jerichos band?

7:47-You wonder what ever happened to the tag team Men on a Mission?  Did they ever reach their goal? If there goal was to be huge, dress colorfully, rap horribly then disappear, mission accomplished.

7:52-Still in traffic. Now you are pawing at your face trying not to snap. But you want to snap. Stupid construction.

7:53-Shit was that the Brooklyn Brawler holding that construction sign? We aren’t even in Brooklyn.

8:02-Get into the office. You sneak in the back because you are 2 min late. You run into Phil or better know as the Pennsylvanian Pipe Bomb (PPB). Shit why does that guy have 3 colored hair and wearing a mesh top? Anyway he blabbers on how Mr. Bossman wants those progress reports on his desk NOW.

8:07-Finally you get to the punch clock. Good the boss didn’t see you. You will just punch in and…

Boom your music cuts in and pyro goes off. Frig you forgot about that. You are screwed now. You sprint to your cubicle and hide. You think of ways you can blame Hornswaggle for this debacle.

I know I know, I can't believe they replaced Hawaiian Shirt Day with Wacky Tie Day either.

8:09-Oh no here comes that villainous vixen Salacious Samantha. That is a mouth full. You wonder how an inch and a half of leather holds her bozongas in but yet they do. She isn’t anything but trouble. See how she wears her eye makeup? All slanty and dark. Why doesn’t anyone else see this?  She walks over and starts talking about how you two could run things around here. Out of nowhere her hulking boyfriend The Destroyer lumbers over and he is pissed. He starts spiting on you as he yells about you trying to take his girl. He then decides to throw you through the wall of your cubicle. He froths at the mouth and takes off.

9:30- You decide to Grab a drink at the water cooler. Shit here comes PPB. He starts yammering on how he going to be the man around here and how he sorry the Destroyer bashed your head in. He then turns quite and pale and sprints out of there. You know this can’t be good. You turn around. Ah shit it is Mr. Bossman there. He starts berating you on how you were harassing Salacious Samantha and that you were late for work. Oh and where the hell are my progress reports?  He says he would fire you on the spot but he has got a better idea. You have to face The Destroyer in a match and that match is right now. Shit you just wanted to grab a drink of water and maybe cram a granola bar in your stomach.

I think he works in our typing pool

9:45-So you took of your clothes and change into your ring gear, a canary yellow singlet with red swooshes all over it.  You limber up, your music hits and you make your way to the ring. Your co workers are cheering you because well they hate the Destroyer. He big, he loud, he got shitty tattoos and is covered in coconut oil. Note to self, invest in coconut oil. The bastards buy it by the gallon. You see the Ted from human resources is the ref. Good old Ted, you know he will give you a fair shake.

9:50-Ted is a shitty ref. You hate Ted. Samantha distracted him once, which led to you getting the hell choked out of you and another time The Destroyed distracted Ted and you got hit with a damn purse with a brick in it. Who carries a purse with a brick in it? What Ted, me screaming and thrashing around isn’t enough for you to turn around and take a peek at what is happening? Christ I guess you will have to figure this out yourself.

9:54- You somehow hit him with a stunner and get the pin. You are glad that over though, because you are behind on your paper work today.

Noon-Good its lunch time. Ric Flair calls you up and wants to know if you want to do lunch. Hell yes after the morning you had. Wings and beer baby. Wooooooooooooooooooo.

1:00- Good power lunch with Ric. The rest of the day should go well. All you have to do is walk back in the building. Wait what that? Is that a speeding car?  Headed right for you? What shall you do? Good thing there some cardboard boxes conveniently placed that you can throw your carcass on. Who was behind the wheel of that car? Why is there a camera man there filming this? Hey camera man do you see who was driving? No? You didn’t think so.

This is Gus. He works in our mail room.

1:06-You are kinda creeped out at the moment. The guy who works in the cubicle next to you before lunch was dark and  brooding and yelled “ I am a rabid junkyard dog ready to chew your ass up” in every conversation you ever had with him. Now he dressed in a dash-eke dancing like he on soul train. You guess you  wasn’t suppose to notice or question this? This office is messed up.  You liked it better when Barry Horowitz use to work next to you. He just pat himself on the back for a good job done.

1:35- You go see Mr. Bossman to see if he will do anything about security in the parking lot. He calls you puke and tells you to get out of his office. Well that was a bit much. That issue will not be resolved any time soon. You wonder who it was driving that car? Was it Ric? Was it Frank the Tank from accounting? Who set you up?

2:15-Taking an early break. Today has been messed up. A memo was sent out how Mike” The Hammer” Peluso was apparently dragged to hell. That sucks, but that does mean there an opening on the 4^th floor. Hmmmm.

2:16-PPB all in your face again going on about how The Hammer was drug to hell. Yeah you know.  You got the memo. He keeps blathering on. You finally say the hell with this and smash him in the head with a chair. Problem solved.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your lukewarm coffee.

Who want's to buy 50/50 tickets? We are raising money for Jenny's boob augmentation.

2:50-Mr.Bossman is screaming at you for nailing PPB. He thinks you are out of control. You say how you are getting sick of how things are being run down here. You never get considered for promotion, you almost got killed outside by a run away car, The Hammer got drug to hell, Sid Vicious won’t approve your expense report and shit this is only Monday. So you do the sensible thing and challenge him to a steel cage match. Enough of this bullshit. Let’s get this straightened out right now.

3:10-Putting on your yellow singlet again. This is my shot to show what I got. You are pumped. Got a text from Koko B. Ware saying good luck.  You’re flexing and ready to go. Crap here Salacious Samantha again. She says she sorry for what happened earlier. She so full of shit.  She is trying to throw you off before your match. She EVIIIIIIIIIL. Wait its Melissa Sparks. She so nice and perky.  She the only one in tech support who doesn’t have an attitude.  Also she is hoooot. She tells Samantha to get out of your face. Wait why is she defending me? I can take care of myself.  Sparks just slapped the shit out of Samantha. Damn.  Well at least they aren’t doing porn like Chyna(sadly true).

4:20-Your music hits and you head to the ring with pyro blasting off . Your Co workers are going nuts. This has been building for what seems like forever. Then you think Christ you got to crawl in that cage? This might not have been a good idea. You see Mike from human resources is doing this match. You hate human resources.

4:21-Mr. Bossman music hits. There are boos everywhere. People are yelling things that they would never say to a normal human being.

4:26- You am stomping Bossman. You are completely dominating him. You are positive you will win this match. There no doubt.

4:27-Son of a bitch had brass knuckles. But the ref is outside and won’t do anything. F’ing refs.

4:29-He is now trying to get out of the cage while you lay there bleeding from the brass knuckles. He is going over the top, but the door right there. Anyway, your head is groggy from the pounding you just took.  You guess you better go stop him.  Good thing for some reason he taking his sweet time throwing his leg over the top of the cage.

Look, I am more then a quota filler sir. I finished at the top of my business class with a 3.95 GPA.

4:30-You grab him by the trunks, exposing his backside to for all to see. Sorry folks. You yank him back down and you both crash to the mat with a giant thud. You are staring up at the ceiling praying to Andre the Giant to help you. Your back is killing you and you don’t know if this is classified as a work place accident or not? Note to self: Call your lawyer David Otunga.

4:31- You both stumble to our feet with the crowd urging you on. Ugh. This is brutal. Some guy outside the ring is broadcasting to the audience to stop the insanity.  The lights go out. Now what the hell is going on? You are getting to old for this shit.

4:32-Oh shit. It’s the Death Dealer. He is the one who drug The Hammer to hell. What he doing here? I thought he was at a conference in Mesa, Phoenix. What he want? He probably still pissed at either the Mr. Bossman  removing the Colombian Roast Coffee  from the lunch room or that you ate part of his lunch one day by accident. It was an honest mistake. You both had Macho Man lunch bags.  You are screwed.

4:33-Death Dealer kicking everyone’s asses. He is a monster. He definitely got rage issues.  Probably mommy issues too but now not a good time to bring that up. He still mad about his lunch, hence the power bomb you just received. Mr. Bossman is laughing hysterically at you. That ass is going to win except the Death Dealer then power bombs him and promptly leaves.  So here we are again back to square one.

I hate it when the vending machine have no ketchup chips left in it.

4:42-After a tired back and forth your finally hit him with a flying elbow drop to stun Mr. Bossman and use what left of your brain to crawl out the ring door. Thank Jesus that over with.  Your music is blasting and the place is going nuts. Then the mood changes.  You  look up the ramp and see…Ric Flair.  After a series of woos he starts saying how he should be the one getting a promotion. How he is overlooked and how he going to do everything in his power to make your life a living hell. He admits he tried to run you over because you stand in his way.  In order to be the man you got to beat the man. He dead drops the microphone and leaves.

4:55- You still try to comprehend what happened. You change out of your ring attire and get ready to go home and crawl under your Degeneration X sheets.  Some guy with a microphone runs up to you and asks for your reaction to what just happened. The logical thing to do would be call the cops about the attempted his and run or occupational health and safety about your work place conditions or start looking for a new job cause you just beat the crap out of your boss.  But this is the WWE Universe. You calmly turn to the camera, look right into it and say “Ric, you want a piece of me, tomorrow in front of the whole entire WWE Universe I will show you who the man is. “ Cut to logo and fade to black.

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Jan 25th, 2012

Hey everyone it’s another edition of Cheer and Loathing in the Free World. I would like to take this time to say thank you for those who check out my blogs especially last week. Apparently when you put in the term naked girls in your blog you get lots of attention.  Who knew? Anyway I decided to start this week off a little different by showing you a few pics by famous street artist named Bansky. Whos says we isn’t cultard and junk.

Cheer-Jalen Rose-Jalen Rose for those who don’t know helped change the college game as a member of the Fab 5 at Michigan and played 13 years in the NBA.  That not the reason I like Jalen. I like him because he give the most honest answers about being a pro athlete. Everything from game preparations, the locker room dynamic and what players actually think about on and off the court. His podcast on the Grantland.com is always interesting to listen to as Jalen and David Jacoby jabber on about sports, sprinkling in behind the scenes info and hip hop references. As he likes to croon, “got to give the people, the people what they want”.

Plus he decided to wear this on his draft night. Takes a set of balls to wear a suit like that. That what we call stylin.

Loath– McDonalds-Yes. I know it is easy to beat up on McDonalds. Yes there portion sizes have shrunk, (like most foods may I add. Remember 3 liter bottles of pop) there cost have gone up and there always in your face with there over 247 billion burgers sold. Awesome, you sold a lot of burgers, but we as consumers stick with them. They changed how there fries taste, they tease us with weird regional only foods (McSpagetti, McLobster, and fresh corn and yes this crap existed) and I think they shoved Grimace in a trunk of a Lincoln and rolled him in the river. Even some of the less then tempting imagery of how their food is processed does not turn us off. Yet we still show up with our hard earned money and just handed over to Ronald. We walk in and think about nostalgic childhood memories and how things USE to taste.  But I came to an epiphany. I don’t really like McDonald’s food. Know what I like?  I like there McChicken sauce and Big Mac sauce, not that actual food. It is like saying do you like BBQ hamburgers and replying well no there just a ketchup or BBQ sauce delivery device. It’s sad when your claim to fame is not your food but the shit you put on top of your food.  Congrats.

Here are some Menu items you wont every day

 

Loath: Liking Facebook statuses when it’s not like/not like situation-First of all what happened to the not like button? Why does everything have to be likable?  Anyway, if for example you wrote “got into college” and someone clicked liked that makes sense. But if you ask “has anyone seen my red hat?” and they click like what the hell does that mean. They like hats?  They like losing things? They stole your hat? Maybe there just evil bastards and they revel in the fact that you lost shit and it makes you sad inside.  I don’t know. Just read shit first before you like.

Cheer-George Takei-Who is that you may ask? It’s Sulu from Star Trek (The original series). No I am not some Trekkie (or Trekker) gushing over his hero.  George Takei was one of the first prominent Japanese-Americans on film (you know before they existed in Hollywood), Gay rights activist, Star Trek and Star Wars diplomat (Star Alliance as he calls it), Twilight stupidity enlightener(major points there ) and he just has a very dry sense of humor.

by Josh Meisner

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World: The Musical Jan 18th, 2012

Music. It is one of those rare things that can bring together people of different ethnicities, economic backgrounds and religions together under one roof to wave lighters in the air in harmony. It is also cause some of the most feverous debates such as “who a better guitar player Hendrix or Clapton”   or “who has the most grating voice Axel Rose or Brian Johnson”.  PS this article was difficult to write do too Wikipedia and other sites blacking out today to protest SOPA which is a whole article in its self.

Cheer: Goyte- I admit the first song I heard from them was “Somebody I use to know” which is pretty great. So instead of just listening to one song and declaring him a genius I started googling around the interweb (googling is now a verb) to find some of his other music and wow what an interesting and wide ranging pieces of work. He is a Belgian that made his way to Australia when he was 2 years old. He combines acoustic, electronic, dance, indie rock, r & b into a mishmash of just coolness. He also has some of the more unique music videos which are so far from the rapid cut/white wipe/ blow out the colors editing process which is the norm now.

Loath-Jason Derulo- Just cause he yells his own name at the beginning of his songs. That the only reason I know he exists. Just imagine if you knew a guy who if you went to a meeting opened up every statement by crooning his name.

Cheer???- Steel Panther-I debated whether I should put them into the cheer and loathing section and if whether should they be a cheer or a loath. Steel Panther is an 80’s sounding hair rock band. Sort of.  There songs include Death to All but Metal, Fat Girl, Asian Hooker 17 girls in a row and such.  I assume there a parody band (dear god let them be a parody band) though they really blur the line well with their spot on wardrobe, very good glam rock compositions and production value. Honestly if you just heard them in the background at a bar or on the radio, you think it just some generic rock band. But if you just start listening to the lyrics you umm… hear some interesting stuff. Most lyrics are about sex, their junk, more sex, things they do during sex and well you get the picture. Let’s just say there lyrics leave little to the imagination.

Loath-Techno music- One out of every five hundred techno songs are somewhat palatable. One in every ten thousand offers something somewhat original.  I’m sorry when your whole genre is based on looping the same beat over and over and usually some guy screaming at you to dance or get down or move it a thousand times in a row, doesn’t cut it for me. That is the reason why you never hear of someone a few years after their “hit”. Usually because there some other guy right behind him doing the same thing. Here is the bases of almost every techno song. Beat: thump thump thump, insert crazy sound and then thump thump thump speeds up. Insert lady with mega voice yodeling and now drop the songs hook and repeat. When your audience is often comprises of colorfully dressed teens tripping out on acid the odds of your longevity are quite low.

Loath-Mariah Carey- I think Mariah Carey had a great set off ummm… lungs. She can really hit the high notes and blast the roof off a building. Here my beef. What the hell is with the vocal gymnastics? Ok we know you got talent and range but why wohhhhhowwowoowhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The thing is since you started doing it everyone does it in a song if they got the voice. Why can’t you just sing damn it. Use your words to communicate.

Here a clip of both her singing voice and her yodeling.

Cheer-Jay Z: I’ll admit it when I first heard Jay-Z I thought to myself why does he have kids singing in his song? WTF? (Hard Knock Life was my first exposure to him) But I must admit the more I listened to him I thought, wow in this world of over produced garbage(though he does it at times but I guess every genre goes through growth and change) he still at least embodies the fundamentals and skills of the old school hip hop artist.  Most of his rhymes are well crafted and actually say something. Unlike most whose will rhyme the word F@#k with the word F#@K, talk about women like they’re never going to hear that song (I am talking to you Lil Wayne), or rap about the shit they have. (I swear I think there a song out there that the guy talks about his phone.) So Jay-Z though I may not always like the choice of your hooks, but your rhymes still at least echo back to the days of Ice-T, Chuck D,  Ice Cube, Eric B and the likes. Now if we can just get record scratches, the love of djs (not producers) and B Boys back into the mix and made up beefs, making up of words(looking at you Snoop) and bad hooks out (Soulja Boy), Hip Hop may have a shot of getting its soul back.

Kinda Cheer-Rebecca Black- Remember her? You don’t? If i told you its Friday now you probably remember her and horrible memories are flooding back. You are welcome. She now has a new song out called Person of Interest. I applauded her still chasing her dreams of being a singer through the fact she was horribly skewed in the public forum. I admit she sounds much better her second time around. So for her not to crumble under the scrutiny she got from her first song I applaude that but….

Loath-Person of Interest-This song doesn’t have the same annoying affect as Friday but man there some terrible lyrics in it. The start of the song she lists thing about a boy and follows up with “I like that”. Get a new lyric writer but you know that not the weird creepy thing about this video. The song is called person of interest and well if you read between the lines it almost sounds like she recounting a story of a flasher or stalker. I mean there cops with yellow tape, she looks like she emphatically saying with her hand “look a guy jumped out and waved his wang all around then made me cup his balls.” Then cuts of her just stiffly dancing. That coupled with some of the other lyrics its, its just creepy. Keep swinging though Rebecca.

Big Mega Cheer-The Beatles- Look I could write five thousand words on the Beatles and someday I might just do that. They brought rock to the main stream and then subsequently pushed it in every direction. All rock must pay their tribute to the Beatles and maybe this will clean your acoustic pallet of the previous Rebecca Black song. I’ll give you a double dose just in case.

by Josh Meisner

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Jan 12th, 2012

Hello everybody it’s a new year. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and be less harsh and critical. I’m going to be more open minded and less judgmental.  Be at peace and understand that I can’t control everything and that Even though I may disagree with something it is still ok. Nah I’m just shitting you. As I would like to often proclaim in the 90’s and still do to this day, I am keeping it real yo.

Loath-Online Magazine Subscription sties: I probably wouldn’t have brought this up until I received my issue of Movie Maker magazine in the mail. There was nothing wrong with the issue. It was in pristine condition still hermetically sealed in a lovely plastic sleeve. So why am I so perturbed? Maybe because this is the 3^rd issue I have received in over 2 F@$King years. I have a bi monthly subscription so by my math I have missed 9 issues.  This is the second company I have had issues with. The first didn’t even bother to send me ANY issues out.  Maybe it’s with the actual magazine company its self. All I know is that online subscription ordering is dead to me. Arseholes.

Cheer: Space– Yes the great big black thing in the sky that is littered with stars. Why do I cheer space? Unlike most thing anyone can try and bull shit their way through, (cars, sports, history) almost no one knows what the hell is going on up there.  How does a black hole really work, I don’t know. Is there little green men out there watching us? There might be. Is there a planet made of chocolate and nougat? It very well maybe children. Also because of that giant void, of which we know little, we as humans shoot up satellites, probes, and men into space to find out stuff.   When they try and find out stuff, they develop new technologies and make advancement in science.  Let’s face it, if we knew everything about space or had no urge to go there we wouldn’t have a quarter of the stuff we do now. Most likely there would be no microwaves, no jet airplanes and no tang. (Note: Does anyone drink tang anymore. I am just asking)

Loath: Posting shit you bought on facebook-I’m sorry this is such a shallow thing. I would estimate that over 95 percent of the time it’s not a innocent “Hey everybody just to let you know so you aren’t confused I bought a new car”.  It has more the tone “Hey you damn losers look at all the shit I just bought and makes me better then you. You are lucky that you are privileged enough to see my shit. F@#ktards.”  Oh look you bought a new sweater. Wow what earth shattering news. You own stuff. Wow you are just the most amazing person in the world.  The only thing shallower is…

Loath: Posting self pics of yourself all the time-Facebook says you need a picture of yourself on your profile to identify who you are. So if you take a self pic so you have something on there I do understand. It is facebook law and that the most powerful law there is. There are people out there though who whole pic inventory are pictures of themselves. I knew one girl who every week there was a new self pic on there. Not cause she got a new hair cut or something that altered her appearance such as a giant spike in her head. . She just looooooooved photographing herself. You people know who you are. Just stop it. (Note: when searching for a pic or video for an example i came across whole sites dedicated to this self indulgence. One site called Hot Self shots where girls take naked pics of themselves. . Frig. )

Keeping it classy and making dad proud.

Cheer: Netflix feedback system– Netflix has had a rough year. I mean ROUGH. Whether it be about them shutting down there home delivery service, to the quality of their product or just there public image.  But I will give Netflix props in one area. They often send me email either wondering how the quality of their video was (usually good but sometimes a bit fuzzy) or how they can improve their service.  Now I am not sure how well they are implementing this but the fact is they want to know how their doing to provide a better product. Wouldn’t it be nice if your cable provider sent you a email saying “how was our feed” or a network saying “How can we improve this show cause frankly we are out of ideas?”

Many companies such as cell phone, cable and utilities don’t give a shit cause often there the only game in town.  For example a neighbor of mine recently complained that his bandwidth had dropped from approximately 3 gig to 1.5. The rep basically told them there were more people using the network and that the reason for the drop. Well he was paying for 3 and now paying the same for less. He asked if anything was to be done about it, they and was told there was nothing they can do. (or want to) Unfortunately they are the only provider in the area and they have you over a barrel. Even though Netflix is a mess, they are at least trying to find a way out of there mess.  Just the fact they want to know how there doing and are at least making an effort to fix it.  As a customer of anywhere the fact someone is putting in an effort goes along way with me.  Now Netflix do not fail me or I must break you.

by Josh Meisner

Hey Hollywood, Listen up

Every year Hollywood try valiantly/in vain to create a movie going experience that will entertain and make money. Honestly these execs are probably somewhat smart people but they get so oversaturated with film, ideas and pressure to make a hit they often produce glossy and generically bad stuff. So Hollywood, if you are listening I will pitch some ideas that will either be judged as pure genius or pure insanity. (At the very least it be entertaining)

 Perfect Strangers: The Movie-Starring Johnny Depp, Kevin Pollack Director????

I’m sorry that Hollywood is so desperate for movie ideas that they will soon completely tap out the comic book and pre 1980’s TV market.  This is the next logical step. Balki Bartokomous, the loveable fish out of water being played by the charismatic and talented Mr. Depp.  Producers just give him a lot of space to create this character. Kevin Pollack, (a highly underrated actor), to play the neurotic and over the top Cousin Larry. You could build a plot around Balki showing up on Larry’s door step who trying to make it in the big city (Keep it Chicago.  NY and Boston and LA have been done to death in movies). Then for some reason pesky homeland security agent (let’s make it Will Farrell or maybe John Hamm) believes that Balki Is up to some shenanigans.  Cast two hot young actresses as the air attendant neighbors and turn part of the movie into a bit of a chase throughout the streets of Chicago and you got yourself at worse a movie of the caliber of Due Date.

Where Waldo? Starring Kevin Spacey, Ryan Gosling, Blake Lively  Directed By David Fincher

Ok it is official that MGM already holds the rights to this book series yet they don’t know what to really do with it probably. Seriously how would you make a whole movie about a kid’s picture book where you well have to find Waldo. This is my pitch.

Turn the story into Kevin Spacey playing the mysterious Waldo, a serial killer who has the ability to mimic voices and people and blend into the background.  Cast the super hot (career wise not physically not that I think of men in that way) as they young hot shot San Diego detective via Baltimore who ends up with the case. Blake Lively will play Gosling pseudo girlfriend who has issues of her own.  No kictcy love story just two people dealing with relationship shit. I would also cast Lou Diamond Phillips as Goslings older wiser partner though he ends up buying it about 25 min in cause Gosling went into a crime scene gung ho. At worse this is Seven or Kiss the Girls.

 Wooooo: The Rick Flair Movie Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson (There Will Be Blood)

Ok I don’t know who stars in this, but coming off the success of the Wrestler this is a great subject matter. Rick Flair is a flamboyant, interesting and tragic character. Plus there wrestling but make it focus more about the person life. It would follow the career from the very early beginnings to his present day life. Show how his reality and his character seem to overlap.  I would do it like biopic I’m Not There (the Bob Dylan movie). You can have multiple people playing him at different points of his career. From his rise in the wrestling ranks and pop culture, his numerous legal and financial troubles, career choices and pitfalls and the pure exploration of his mystique.  At worse this would be Ali.

 

Tweeter and the Monkey Man- Starring Aaron Johnson (No Where Boy) James MacAvoy(Xmen), Mary Elizabeth Winstead(Scott Pilgram),  Hunter Parish (Weeds) Director Coens Brothers

This is the famous Traveling Willberries song depicts the friend’s ship of heroine dealer and his Vietnam vet friend on the run from the law.  This movie not only would be targeted at older audience (song references and nostalgia) but would have a cast of young and talented actors. This could be a very well done movie set against the back drop of the late 70’s.  Focusing on how every character has there own points of view on the world.  It would focus Tweeter the ex vet (Aaron Johnson) who did what he thought was right and served his country but feels empty and his loyalty to his friend monkey man(James McAvoy or possibly Gordon Joseph Levitt). He would be more the middle of the road character. Monkey man a down and out drug dealer who just wants a piece of the American dream. An extreme left and anti mainstream character. The undercover cop( Lets say Hunter Parish of Weeds)  who believes he is doing the right thing trying to catch the Monkey man, though his judgment is somewhat clouded by his sister named Jan (Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Jennifer lawerence from X-Men) who is under the spell of the Monkey Mans counter culture ways.  How will it end? Who knows? The a cool 70’s  background and heavily conflicted characters who each have their own agendas and morals makes for an interesting plot. Plus the Coens brothers ability to create interesting and quirky characters is a plus. At worse this would be Almost Famous.

They Call Me Julius- Starring Samuel L. Jackson, Brad Pitt, Christopher Waltz, Scarlett Johansson , and a cast of thousands Director: Quentin Tarentino

Ok I have no real plot except this. After Pulp Fiction the character Julius (my man Sam) said he was going to walk the earth. Pick it up in present time in say Florida where Julius is still looking for some sort of internal piece. Sam for the most part has gone straight, but then he gets simply caught up in some straight up bull shit.  Have him meet various characters trying not to be bad ass but he is still bad ass. Christopher Waltz as the main villain, in a movie of villains and interesting characters. Maybe Brad Pitt as a lowlife pusher who doesn’t have a clue about anything except surfboards and weed.  Scarlett Johansson as the lovely lady of the film who seems to stir the pot. Quentin please do this. It would be fantastic.  Groin grabbingly fantastic. At worse this would be ummm,.. I don’t know. It just be sweet.

By Josh Meisner

The Magical World Of Vern Fonk

About a month ago I was bombing around on YouTube and I came across a peculiar Christmas ad for Vern Fonk Auto Insurance. It is a insurance business based out of Seattle, Washington. After watching one of his ads is was mesmerized/traumatized and perplexized. (Hey if snoop can make up words so can I).  Needless to say I wanted to know more about this guy. Was I being put on buy some local improve group who made up this fictional ad?  Was this guy insane? I had no idea.

Most of his ads seem to use many quick pop culture and movie references.  Usually poorly done but entertaining. So I tried to find some more info on this guy. Do to my research on trusty/not so trusty Wikipedia, I found out much to my shock the guy in the ad who you think is Vern Fonk is not the real Vern Fonk. (Will the real Vern Fonk please stand up.)

The man who you think is Vern real name is  Rob Thielke who is a manager at one of his offices who  writes these off beat ads. The real Vern Fonk died in 2006. This made me sad because deep down inside because  I wanted Vern to be some whacked out entrepreneur who sold auto insurance but also dreamed of being a superstar a la Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Seriously this guy will do anything to get your attention.

Help I’m Being Oppressed.

Even though there is no real Vern Fonk, the spirt of Vern Fonk lives on.  I applaud his be kind rewind approach to ads despite probably most peoples use of common sense.  Who knows this could be what State Farm and SunLife insurance ads could look like in five years.  To check out more of his odd ads, just go to youtube and type in Vern Fonk. Who knows what you might find.

By Josh Meisner

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World 2012 Preview Edition

In this New Year edition of Cheer and Loathing in the Free world, I am going to look ahead to 2012 to some things I am looking forward to and not so much.  By the looks of it if it wasn’t for sports this is a very dark year for me.

Cheer: 2012 summer Olympics in London– I must say I don’t love the Olympics but I do enjoy them.  I’m sure London will have interesting opening ceremony with lots of celebs. Honestly though, most of us don’t pay attention to our “amateur” athletes that much till it is Olympic time.  We don’t normally give a crap about things like marathons, badminton and artistic gymnastics. But once your nations flag shows up in the medal count it’s a “hell yeah we number one wooooooo” moment.  It gives you a sense of pride that you are good at something though you personally had nothing to do with it. Usually there always one story that jumps out of someone persevering over some tragic injury or event.

Loath: Crap in toilet– Look as the book says everybody poops. To this day though it still baffles me that we as supposed civilized creatures but we DO NOT FLUSH THE TOLIET AFTERWARDS. Do you know how often I have run to the bathroom to be greeted by a giant pile of poop.  Just flush it you say, well that not the point.  Sadly unless laws are instructed or bathroom monitors are put in place this will continue to happen.

Loath: Mayan myths-So for those who been living under a rock basically the Mayan created a calendar that runs out in Dec 21, 2012. Now according to their mythology that is the day the world will end.  We will be bombarded with damn stories about this for a whole year now, wing nuts posting crazy shit on the internet and I’m sure sadly some cult will do something.  You know what though, if we make it past Dec. 21^st still intact they will go back and say oops we made a mistake its really such and such a date like any other crack pot who predicts our end. Oh and we will probably see that shitty movie 2012 a billion times on TV.

Great video to calm all your worries.

Cheer: UEFA Euro-This could be my favorite sporting event of the world. To me this is the most competitive sports tournament there is. The top sixteen European nations trying to vie for football supremacy. Unlike the world cup these are the best of the best (excluding   Argentina, Brazil and maybe Uruguay. )Though you can argue that some of the tops aren’t there at least the tournament isn’t filled out with nations who got in because they played in weak football regions like South Korea, Japan, Algeria, Honduras and North Korea. Plus do to their natural geographic proximity there is real actual palatable passion for there country and despise for their opponents.

Loath: Some mindless celebrity death- I’m not going to predict who will die here but I’m sure some celebrity will die tragically and they will be plastered all over the news. Death is inevitable and sad yes. The thing is though there will be someone who is basically a straight up bitch/asshole who will pass and everyone will say the cliché’ “oh he was so talented” and “gone to soon” or my favorite “a real role model.” I’m trying not to be callas but it amazes me how we glaze over all the shitty things they done cause there dead and famous.

Loath: Gomez/ Bieber marriage: No I do not have any inside info on this. I just got a sick feeling in my gut this will go down.  Then all I will see on magazine racks are stories like or “Justin and Selena on the splits” or “Justin’s wild night without Selena” or “Selena and Justin sacrifice puppies to the sun god RA to show their love” Just straight up garbage.

Cheer: Dark Knight Rises– I love batman, I love Chris Nolan and I love Chris Nolan’s Batman series. The expectations I have are probably way to high. But Damn it I love me some batman (in a platonic way).

I hope you all have a good 2012.

By Josh Meisner