Monthly Archives: December 2011
Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Dec 28
Cheer and Loathing in the Free World Dec 28
This will be a short and sweet Cheer and Loathing due to the fact that you got holiday treats to eat, visit people you don’t necessarily want too and gifts to return.
Cheer: Dikembe Mutumbo– NBA hall of famer (well he should be), last true dominating defensive center (sorry Dwight Howard) and humanitarian supreme. Mutumbo helped build a hospital in the Congo which he donated up to 15 million dollars towards the project. Plus he has one of the deepest voices I have ever heard. That it, I am naming my first kid Dikembe. Come on that a sweet name though it might be hard to find personalized shirts, bracelets and vanity plates.
Did I mention he also speak around 8 languages and had his own McDonalds meal deal.
Loath: Dudes who wear shorts in freezing temperatures-Sorry I don’t get it. I can only theorize why they do it. My theories are:
a) That there junk is set at a temperature of 120c and that if they don’t cool them down they will explode like an aerosol cans in an open fire
b) I JUST HATE PANTS. They make me so angry.
c) Look how tough I am. See I’m tough. Don’t believe I’m tough. I have frostbite. See tough.
d) My legs are so sexy that it be a shame to hide them from the public.
e) They allow quick ventilation for my farts to escape quicker for if they stay collect in my pants people will die.
Loath: New Years Resolutions-Hey I am all for those who want to feel better about themselves. Whether it be to loose weight, stop smoking, watch more porn, or whatever. But I hate when people attach these resolutions to specific events or dates. If you want to do something with your life do it NOW. Why wait 3 days. If you want to learn guitar, go get one now and start. Unless you belive in the whole end of the world thing, then do whatever the hell you want. Just remember if you are wrong you still have to report to work on Monday.
Cheer: Boxing day sales-Low prices, Giant TVs for sales, a smorgasbord of deals.
Loath: Boxing day sales-At the end I hate Boxing Day sales. What all the stuff you got for Christmas wasn’t enough. Also it’s the ultimate buyer’s remorse day. Wait what that TV I bought with a 70 dollar saving is now 200 dollars cheaper! Christ how much is the mark up on this crap. Also the fact people like on Black Friday rush through doors trampeling old ladies to buy crap. At least Black Friday you are buying stuff for other people and not for yourself (in theory). What do you really need after Christmas that you would stand outside in the cold 7 o’clock in the morning with a bunch of sleepy eyed people who haven’t showered because it’s the holidays. Yet every year I look at the flyers. It’s like crack especially to someone who likes electronics.
by Josh Meisner
Why this ad will ruin someone’s day.
Ok the whole running joke of this Dentyne ice ad is that you have to practice safe breath. But they make it the equivalent of buying condoms/rubbers/jimmy hats which is the supposed joke. This is not a rant about the quality of the joke, but I know right now there some dumb ass thinking “hey if I chew this gum she won’t get knocked up” Unfortunately those are the people who can barely walk and chew gum at the same time let alone hump and chew gum. Honestly in a world where we put disclaimers on EVERYTHING because we have to guard against the stupidest people doing stupid things this one doesn’t have one. That why bags have warning on them saying this bag is not a toy or when you watch a commercial with a stunt in it tell you in fine print do not attempt this, trained professionals. I am horrified to think right now there some dude banging away thinking this is the greatest birth control method since the classics like “she won’t get pregnant if we have sex standing up” or” if I am on top” or”the pull out method.” Or worse the guy who has more than one brain cell (maybe as high as 3) will chew it and stick it on the end of their dingle dangle. God I hate to answer that 911 call.
911:Hello 911 what is your emergency?
Dude: I’m stuck
911: Ok sir where are u stuck?
Dude: Umm err inside of my girlfriend?
Girl: Jesus don’t use my name and I’m not your girlfriend we just met.
911: Where are you?
Dude: I told you inside her.
911: Where your location that you are stuck
Dude: Umm that kinda inapropriate asking me about my sexual habits.
Girl: Jesus we are in Dairy Queen bathroom. Hurry and get me away from this moron.
Dude: You said take you somewhere nice woman!
911: Sir just how in the hell did you get stuck?
Dude: I got Dentyne gum on the end of my Jimmy Johnson.
911: You are sad case of humanity sir. CLICK
So please makers of Dentyne put a disclaimer on this commercial. Save some poor girl or paramedic the embarrassment. It is your public duty to try and stop dipshits from trying to ruin the rest of our lives.
By Josh Meisner
Cheer and Loathing in the Free World
Dec 22, 2012
Since it’s the holidays I am going with a very rare all cheer version of Cheer and Loathing in the Free World. Slowly I am trying to get in the quote “spirit of things.” At least I am not a the point now where anyone I see wearing a Santa hat I want to rock bottom them. Honestly who the hell in there right mind wears one in the middle of November. So take a deep breath and realize that it will all be over soon and try not to stress out too much. Oh and for those who aren’t done your shopping yet fellas, here is a great tip for some last minute shopping for that special lady.
Cheer: Old WW2 Movies– There a simple reason why I like old WW 2 movies. You see if they shot a movie today everything in it be cgi’d to death. The tanks, the explosions and the planes would all be in the director and actors imagination, until there added later in post production. In those WW 2 movies say between 1945 and say till the 1970’s those were the authentic thing. Hell they even used real vets in some of the earlier ones. Sure they can be campy, historically inaccurate and the star may never get a ounce of dirt on them. That Panzer running over that hedge, that a real live scare the bejesus out of you Panzer. Those Mustangs and Messerschmitt in that dog fight are real functioning aircraft right down to the decals. When they re enact an air drop of Operation Market Garden, those are real planes with real people jumping out. Could you imagine a studio trying to do this now? The logistics and safety issues alone would make their head explode.
Cheer: The word BULLSHIT-I don’t know why I think this is just a great term but it just roles off the tongue. It is much better than its brother horse shit, and it is much more versatile then its cousin dipshit. Try it some time. You won’t be disappointed. (Note: I am not responsible for when you use it or how you use it. If you get fired, thrown out of a McDonalds or make your kids cry that was really your call.)
HUH?: Holliday Commercials– Ok in particular this one. I’m not sure if this guy trying to be a dick, has a speech impediment or is just a dumb ass. Sorry I’m not sure what going on here but I had to post it
MEGA CHEER: Die Hard as the greatest Christmas movie ever-Come on work with me here. Every Christmas movie is often about people finding the true meaning of the holidays, has a ghost of Christmas pasts, Santa and all kinds of other predictable crapola. To me this is a more relatable holiday movie.
John McClain just wants a day off, wants to try and fix up his relationship with his wife and has to suffer through a company Christmas party he doesn’t really want to attend. The whole situation is just frustrating from the start. Something everyone can relate too. So then some asshole terrorist have to mess his holiday up. Like the Holidays aren’t stressful enough. So he going to have to fix the problem himself because, unlike most people during the holidays, there too self-absorbed in their own shit to do anything about it.
So you can keep your wide eyed kids trying to wait up for Santa, or Ebenezer Scrooge learning about how wicked he was, or Charlie Brown and his sad Christmas tree. Those are all nice lessons. But really those movies tell people to depend on the good of others or that everything will be ok because it’s a Christmas miracle. John McClain doesn’t sit on his hands waiting for something that may never come, John McClain is out there taking care of business himself just armed with a machine gun and moxy.
Plus I love this voice over guy.
So Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah and a beautiful Kwanza to all my readers and listeners out there. Oh yeah also Yippee Kay Yeah mother f@3Kers.
By Josh Meisner
After Much Deduction Podcast Dec 20th part 2
Hey everyone. Here is part 2 of our pod cast where Wade Fralic and myself preview more movies coming out for 2012. We touch on Django Unchained, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and The Avengers to name a few. Enjoy.
Part 2
After Much Deduction PODCAST Dec 19th, 2011
Hey everybody. Yeah I know you were asking where the pod casts? Well the new pod cast is up and its a two parter. Wade Fralic and I discuss what is lined up for 2012 in the cinemas. In part one we touch on mostly sequels, reboots and spin-offs. Expendables 2, The Dark Knight Rises and 21 Jump Street are just some of the topics we touch on. No we are not trapped in a 1920 telephone either. Listen and you will hear why?
Part 1
Dumb Mega Rich Sports: Thoroughbred Bread Racing
Ok let’s say you have an enormous amount of money. Like Richard Branson or hell P Diddy (or Dirty Money, Sean Combs, Puffy or whatever the hell he calls himself) money. Now I’m sure you worked at least somewhat hard to obtain all this mullah. Sure you give some money to charity just to show you are human, own nine different home in exotic locals that you visit at most 2 weeks a year and bought yourself a private jet but god damn it you just still have way too much money. So you start to think of crazy shit you can spend it on. Like
a) you pay a guy who job is to hold an umbrella over your head no matter if its raining or not.
B) 24-carat iPhone 4 cause damn it a regular I phone be just to blah
c) you hire the guys from Ghost Hunter International to make sure that there no spooky ghost in any of the luxurious hotels you stay in not trying to steal your money.
But damn it still those things are useful. I mean hell who doesn’t want to get wet, or be robbed by ghosts. You need something totally frivolous and yet show your status. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Thoroughbred horse racing.
Horse racing has been around since the times of gladiators. You see though that was born out of a useful purpose. You needed fast horse to run away from Mongols or charge into battle. Horses were an essential part to your everyday life. Now what do we do. We take two horses, make them have sex, produce a 3rd horse inject him with drugs, stick a guy with a whip on his back and run the guts out of him for a quarter mile. If the horse is successful he gets to do it again or if not he made into glue.
This article is not about the sport of horseracing. There are breeders and trainers who are on the level . This is about why someone would want to own a thoroughbred horse. Cause really, what does the owner have to do with the outcome. The horse does the running, the jockey does the ridding and the trainer does the training. The owner sits in box with his monocle and mint julep with his cronies and mistress guffawing away at some lame ass joke. Hell most of the time they don’t get to name them. Oh and the rules to naming a horse is ridiculous. I would get horse racing if the owner was ridding the horse, trained the horse, or even housed the horse. But they don’t. There job is to write a check. Wow that must be exciting.
Let’s face it they get into it because it’s a prestige thing. Sure there can be winnings, but really it’s more of a “see how much money I can waste on something I know nothing about but I will take the credit” thing. It’s about saying I can make this horse bang that horse and I will own its child. Honestly what if we started doing this with people. Lets get Martina Navratilova and Jimmy McEnroe together to see what kind of tennis player we can get or Courtney Love and Gary Busey to have a love child to see what sort of crazy we get. To me it’s insane. If it wasn’t immoral and frowned upon they probably would try it. (Illegal probably don’t mean anything to them if there uber rich).
Thoroughbred racing: Where money if flushed down the drain cause you can.
By Josh Meisner
An Open Letter to Dave Chappelle
Dear Dave,
Sorry if it’s too formal for calling you Dave. I’m sure there guys out there always trying to give you advice, still yelling I’m Rick James Bitch at you and wondering if you fell the fuck off. Those are not the reasons why I am writing this letter. This is a thank you letter.
Thank you for the Chappelle show, that was a given. Thank you for your candid stand up. That is also a given.
This is me thanking you in a fame seeking and everyone wants to be a star world that you had the balls to hit the reset button and realize what is important to you. Sure the money was must of been awesome (50 million or so they say) but damn what the money worth if you aren’t happy. I look at people like Kim Kardasian (If you see a Kardasian and there are no cameras around does she really exist?) who lets face it, needs her show to justify her existence. You see washed up actor enter celebrity boxing shows or rehab shows trying to reignite some last hope of fame.
Your show was ground breaking, honest and very funny. You decided that fame wasn’t as important as your family, your stand up or your happiness. There are many people out there who have professions that when they look in the mirror they wonder if the price they are paying is worth it? Is it worth selling out what you think is important to you. It sounds like a simple thing yet we all seem to get caught up in some bullshit.
Watch this clip. Insight and level headedness of supposed crazy Dave Chappelle
So thank you for what you have given us. Who knows there maybe another chapter in your life in which you come back on your own terms and give us more. If so great, power to you. If not continue living your life your way and keep doing your stand up if that what makes you happy.
Sincerly
Josh Meisner
Fear and Loathing in the Free World Dec 13
Were you think damn its going to be one more day before I get to read another Fear and Loathing in the Free World piece. Well all you chico’s and senoritas I decided to publish one day early cause well that how I roll. (For the uninitiated I try to post one every Wednesday). So away we go in my funk mobile rolling to my soul shack.
Cheer: Beastie Boys: They are now in there 4th decade of producing there blend of hip hop/techno/ punk guitar rift rock. Whenever one of their song hit my car radio I usually end up rocking out and throwing my hands in the air (not the safest thing to do). Plus it’s the only concert you probably could go to where a white guy in his mid 30’s can wear a baseball cap backwards and still be considered “down”.
Loath: Friging white flash/rapid movie editing: Ok I get it. People today supposedly have shorter attention spans (thanks Riddley Scott and MTV). So staying on a image longer the 2 second may bore your viewer. But holly hell in a hand bag do we need to flash 19 edits up in less than 6 seconds. I just recently saw a movie called Mega Piranha’s (yes I know it was going to be shitty), but the edits made the movie seem like some meth head who having withdrawals creepy nightmare. I swear its some guy who just got out of editing school and say “hey guys watch this, I can make you have a seizure. “
Loath: Christmas Albums: They make money for musician. It’s a quick cash grab for an artist to sit down and bellow out some classic. Occasionally its tolerable but often it’s a mishmash of song we don’t know complete with strange yodeling of singers trying to make it their own. If you want to sing white Christmas or Here comes Santa Claus, then sing the fing song. No need for guitar riffs, 8 octave ranges, that guy from the old spice commercial, record scratches, Yanni pan flute, and to be produced by timberland or thee Bruce Dickerson.
This makes me want to convert to another religion.
Cheer: Wi-Fi TVs: Wait what I can now watch my allegedly downloaded movies straight from my computer to my TV without wires or a gaming system. What I’m not suppose to use it for that what am I suppose to use if for. Family photos? Really? You guys are funny.
Cheer: KFC Gravy– I try not to promote products here but KFC gravy is good (though the rest of their product line has gone to crap. Sorry someone had to tell you Colonel. You probably already knew that when you tried to convince us the KFC meant kitchen fresh chicken. Nice try) KFC Gravy is fantastic. Well gravy in general is awesome but this is angels would taste like if they were processed into liquid form. Unlike…
Loath: Smuckers Uncrustables– I tried to find a commercial for this product though I’m sure the guys in there marketing department didn’t want any part of this lame product. Essentially it’s a frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwich that looks like a pizza pocket. Who the hell are these for? For people who can’t spend two whole anguishing minutes to make them self a sandwich. This product is not available in Canada because we all know how to use a butter knife and take a bread tag off a bag.
By Josh Meisner
A Chance For A Re-do: Pearls of Africa
Now this is far what from what I thought one of my first blog/report/story would be like. Honestly most of the stuff you will probably see here would be profanity laced jibber jabber about some inane movie idea or some weird/trendy/horrifying popular video on YouTube. But about a month ago I came across this story that made my eyes well for some reason. This is a story I had to share.
Uganda. Why should I care about some boys from Uganda of all places? Many of us probably cannot find it on a map. (For your info it’s in Africa west of Kenya and south of South Sudan.) So why did it catch my eye? Little League Baseball. Yes there is little league baseball in Africa. The story tells of how an American business man decided to start a baseball in Africa.
Now that could be a fine enough story in itself. It is quaint, cheerful and sweet. But it’s so much more of a story than that. To make a long story short the team from Uganda won their region to become the first African team to qualify for the Little League World Series in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania.
That would have been a beautiful end to the story. A classic story of a scrappy baseball team who overcome great odds to reach their goals. It would be the classic children’s Disney movie. Unfortunately though this is not a Hollywood screenplay splashed upon the silver screen. Their dreams were quickly quashed by bureaucratic bullshit.
Upon applying for visas to come to the supposed land of opportunity, where dreams are made and stars are born, they were denied access to the states due to their visas having “irregularities”. When asked what those were they cited security reasons they could not reveal what the “irregularities” were. It was the equivalent of a baseball umpire ejecting a player then asking why saying “I can’t tell you it’s a secret”. (Later reported that there ages on their visas weren’t matching their birth certificates) Funny how they met the requirements of both the little league world series and I believe Saudi Arabia, who they played in the finals of their regional play in. Yes I do understand they both probably don’t have the high standards or resources of US Immigration but no red flags were found in the other cases that are of my knowledge). So some necktie too tight, can’t see the forest through the trees, bum hole kissing excuse of a bureaucrat in one fell swoop denied these kids an opportunity. (NOTE: Saudi Arabia ended up taking Uganda spot in the little league world series. Interestingly Saudi Arabia is one of Americas few allies in the Middle Eastern region and also major oil supplier. Potentially a wink wink nudge nudge move was in play or just a happy coincidence. )
So I could just leave you there hanging on this sad note and everyone could go on with their lives. But there is a way to make it right. You see Uganda’s first historical game as the first African representative at the Little League World Series was to be the team from Langley, BC. These young kids partnering with Right to Play International are trying the best they can to correct this wrong. They are trying to raise funds to fly Langley team to Uganda to play the game that never was and to help build a field so that future generations have a place to go and play the game they love.
Amazingly a bunch of 13 year old boys from Canada decided to cut through political mumbo jumbo and are trying to do the right thing. It’s a novel concept that I hope catches on. But they need your help Check the link below. There is a great 8:00 video that sums up there story much better than my ramblings could ever do. Please help these kids reach their goal.
By Joshua Meisner
Link to Baseball In Uganda Story
Link to Right to Play International
Cheer and Loathing in the Free World
Dec 7th, 2011
Hello everyone welcome to another Cheer and Loathing in the Free World. It’s now December 7th, 2011. Honestly I think I’m Holly the Jollied the F*&^ out. Seriously there 18 more days till kid beating Bing Crosby and Wilson Phillips singing Hey Santa goes away. (NOTE: I Super Loath that song in its entirety. It’s like sand paper and broken glass cutting to my soul. ) Anyway here are my Cheer and Loaths for the week.
Loath: Snow – It’s cold, its wet and did I mention its cold? To those people who say I love snow and it’s so pretty obviously that a)they don’t have to shovel it, b) have to drive in it or c) are off their medication. My only exception is over the Christmas Holliday and then only on the following criteria: No less than one inch and not exceeding two inches and must be acquired during the time frame of midnight and six am. Also said temperature must not fall below -4 Celsius and not exceed -2. Also I must receive awesome gifts for Christmas.
Cheer: NBL Canada- The NBL is the upstart Canadian basketball league. I have attended two games so far this season and they both been quality affairs. Good basketball and its only going to get better. If there a franchise in your area (Halifax, Saint Johns, Moncton, Quebec (Montreal), London, Summerside, or Oshawa) go check them out. It’s a great time.
Loath-Music Videos– I remember running home from after school and my brother would want to watch video hits which was our lone connection to the music video world ( We had 3 channels and MTV was some weird and foreign idea) He use to wait for a favorite song of his and then recorded the video with our giant VHS machine( it had a wired in remote). But he recorded said videos because he liked the song not because of the video. Videos now seem to be the main marketing method for bands and there music second. Case and point. The song I’m Sexy and I Know it by LMFAO. Honestly everyone conversation starts like this “Have you seen their video”? Not have you heard there song. It’s have you seen their video. (I have. It’s amusing if you like guys waving their junk around and seeing Ron Jeremy just hanging out). That doesn’t make the song good. LMFAO is as much a music group as the guys from Lonely Island. Note I will not post a link to there video. I will not support it. But here some Lonely Island.
Cheer: Real Christmas Trees– Ok yes fake ones are cheaper in the long run and less of a mess but it’s not a tree. It’s a piece of furniture. A real tree just adds something to Christmas. With Christmas becoming over commercialized and junkified just go buy a real fing tree would you.
Loath. Yuuuuuuuup-Thanks Dave from storage wars. You made a somewhat interesting show annoying. What is worse now everywhere I go I hear people echoing the same damn thing? This will hopefully last as long as the wazz up guys from the Budweiser ads.
Whazz up guys
Annoying Dave Hester
Cheer: May 13, 2013– This is the release date of the new Star Trek film. I am excited. Please don’t let anything be leaked. I hate when they teases us with info and then it doesn’t live up to our expectations or it was an elaborate hoax to throw us off the trail of the real story. No I am not a trekkie or treker but the last film was fantastic.
Mega Loath: The Joe Fresh Commercial– Have you seen these? There for a clothing line. They have a bunch of blank faced models I guess modeling. Honestly they all have the look on their face that they have done something very shameful to get this job.
by Josh Meisner
After Much Deduction... 