What if we really lived in a WWE Universe?

By Josh Meisner

For those who watch wrestling, more importantly WWE (Formally WWF but we won’t get into that) often the talent will come out to the ring and refer to the WWE Universe. The WWE Universe is a marketing brand they put on the fans of WWE. It’s a clever and smart move by them, but it got me thinking what if we REALLY lived in a world where we were governed by wrestling logic?

7:00- Your alarm blast off with a small amount of pyrotechnics with Hulk Hogan yelling at you  “To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong.” You roll out in your Val Venis robe and decide to eat a dozen eggs and some Vitamins before work.

7:43-Stuck in traffic listening to some generic heavy metal. Is that…is that Fozzy,  Chris Jerichos band?

7:47-You wonder what ever happened to the tag team Men on a Mission?  Did they ever reach their goal? If there goal was to be huge, dress colorfully, rap horribly then disappear, mission accomplished.

7:52-Still in traffic. Now you are pawing at your face trying not to snap. But you want to snap. Stupid construction.

7:53-Shit was that the Brooklyn Brawler holding that construction sign? We aren’t even in Brooklyn.

8:02-Get into the office. You sneak in the back because you are 2 min late. You run into Phil or better know as the Pennsylvanian Pipe Bomb (PPB). Shit why does that guy have 3 colored hair and wearing a mesh top? Anyway he blabbers on how Mr. Bossman wants those progress reports on his desk NOW.

8:07-Finally you get to the punch clock. Good the boss didn’t see you. You will just punch in and…

Boom your music cuts in and pyro goes off. Frig you forgot about that. You are screwed now. You sprint to your cubicle and hide. You think of ways you can blame Hornswaggle for this debacle.

I know I know, I can't believe they replaced Hawaiian Shirt Day with Wacky Tie Day either.

8:09-Oh no here comes that villainous vixen Salacious Samantha. That is a mouth full. You wonder how an inch and a half of leather holds her bozongas in but yet they do. She isn’t anything but trouble. See how she wears her eye makeup? All slanty and dark. Why doesn’t anyone else see this?  She walks over and starts talking about how you two could run things around here. Out of nowhere her hulking boyfriend The Destroyer lumbers over and he is pissed. He starts spiting on you as he yells about you trying to take his girl. He then decides to throw you through the wall of your cubicle. He froths at the mouth and takes off.

9:30- You decide to Grab a drink at the water cooler. Shit here comes PPB. He starts yammering on how he going to be the man around here and how he sorry the Destroyer bashed your head in. He then turns quite and pale and sprints out of there. You know this can’t be good. You turn around. Ah shit it is Mr. Bossman there. He starts berating you on how you were harassing Salacious Samantha and that you were late for work. Oh and where the hell are my progress reports?  He says he would fire you on the spot but he has got a better idea. You have to face The Destroyer in a match and that match is right now. Shit you just wanted to grab a drink of water and maybe cram a granola bar in your stomach.

I think he works in our typing pool

9:45-So you took of your clothes and change into your ring gear, a canary yellow singlet with red swooshes all over it.  You limber up, your music hits and you make your way to the ring. Your co workers are cheering you because well they hate the Destroyer. He big, he loud, he got shitty tattoos and is covered in coconut oil. Note to self, invest in coconut oil. The bastards buy it by the gallon. You see the Ted from human resources is the ref. Good old Ted, you know he will give you a fair shake.

9:50-Ted is a shitty ref. You hate Ted. Samantha distracted him once, which led to you getting the hell choked out of you and another time The Destroyed distracted Ted and you got hit with a damn purse with a brick in it. Who carries a purse with a brick in it? What Ted, me screaming and thrashing around isn’t enough for you to turn around and take a peek at what is happening? Christ I guess you will have to figure this out yourself.

9:54- You somehow hit him with a stunner and get the pin. You are glad that over though, because you are behind on your paper work today.

Noon-Good its lunch time. Ric Flair calls you up and wants to know if you want to do lunch. Hell yes after the morning you had. Wings and beer baby. Wooooooooooooooooooo.

1:00- Good power lunch with Ric. The rest of the day should go well. All you have to do is walk back in the building. Wait what that? Is that a speeding car?  Headed right for you? What shall you do? Good thing there some cardboard boxes conveniently placed that you can throw your carcass on. Who was behind the wheel of that car? Why is there a camera man there filming this? Hey camera man do you see who was driving? No? You didn’t think so.

This is Gus. He works in our mail room.

1:06-You are kinda creeped out at the moment. The guy who works in the cubicle next to you before lunch was dark and  brooding and yelled “ I am a rabid junkyard dog ready to chew your ass up” in every conversation you ever had with him. Now he dressed in a dash-eke dancing like he on soul train. You guess you  wasn’t suppose to notice or question this? This office is messed up.  You liked it better when Barry Horowitz use to work next to you. He just pat himself on the back for a good job done.

1:35- You go see Mr. Bossman to see if he will do anything about security in the parking lot. He calls you puke and tells you to get out of his office. Well that was a bit much. That issue will not be resolved any time soon. You wonder who it was driving that car? Was it Ric? Was it Frank the Tank from accounting? Who set you up?

2:15-Taking an early break. Today has been messed up. A memo was sent out how Mike” The Hammer” Peluso was apparently dragged to hell. That sucks, but that does mean there an opening on the 4^th floor. Hmmmm.

2:16-PPB all in your face again going on about how The Hammer was drug to hell. Yeah you know.  You got the memo. He keeps blathering on. You finally say the hell with this and smash him in the head with a chair. Problem solved.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your lukewarm coffee.

Who want's to buy 50/50 tickets? We are raising money for Jenny's boob augmentation.

2:50-Mr.Bossman is screaming at you for nailing PPB. He thinks you are out of control. You say how you are getting sick of how things are being run down here. You never get considered for promotion, you almost got killed outside by a run away car, The Hammer got drug to hell, Sid Vicious won’t approve your expense report and shit this is only Monday. So you do the sensible thing and challenge him to a steel cage match. Enough of this bullshit. Let’s get this straightened out right now.

3:10-Putting on your yellow singlet again. This is my shot to show what I got. You are pumped. Got a text from Koko B. Ware saying good luck.  You’re flexing and ready to go. Crap here Salacious Samantha again. She says she sorry for what happened earlier. She so full of shit.  She is trying to throw you off before your match. She EVIIIIIIIIIL. Wait its Melissa Sparks. She so nice and perky.  She the only one in tech support who doesn’t have an attitude.  Also she is hoooot. She tells Samantha to get out of your face. Wait why is she defending me? I can take care of myself.  Sparks just slapped the shit out of Samantha. Damn.  Well at least they aren’t doing porn like Chyna(sadly true).

4:20-Your music hits and you head to the ring with pyro blasting off . Your Co workers are going nuts. This has been building for what seems like forever. Then you think Christ you got to crawl in that cage? This might not have been a good idea. You see Mike from human resources is doing this match. You hate human resources.

4:21-Mr. Bossman music hits. There are boos everywhere. People are yelling things that they would never say to a normal human being.

4:26- You am stomping Bossman. You are completely dominating him. You are positive you will win this match. There no doubt.

4:27-Son of a bitch had brass knuckles. But the ref is outside and won’t do anything. F’ing refs.

4:29-He is now trying to get out of the cage while you lay there bleeding from the brass knuckles. He is going over the top, but the door right there. Anyway, your head is groggy from the pounding you just took.  You guess you better go stop him.  Good thing for some reason he taking his sweet time throwing his leg over the top of the cage.

Look, I am more then a quota filler sir. I finished at the top of my business class with a 3.95 GPA.

4:30-You grab him by the trunks, exposing his backside to for all to see. Sorry folks. You yank him back down and you both crash to the mat with a giant thud. You are staring up at the ceiling praying to Andre the Giant to help you. Your back is killing you and you don’t know if this is classified as a work place accident or not? Note to self: Call your lawyer David Otunga.

4:31- You both stumble to our feet with the crowd urging you on. Ugh. This is brutal. Some guy outside the ring is broadcasting to the audience to stop the insanity.  The lights go out. Now what the hell is going on? You are getting to old for this shit.

4:32-Oh shit. It’s the Death Dealer. He is the one who drug The Hammer to hell. What he doing here? I thought he was at a conference in Mesa, Phoenix. What he want? He probably still pissed at either the Mr. Bossman  removing the Colombian Roast Coffee  from the lunch room or that you ate part of his lunch one day by accident. It was an honest mistake. You both had Macho Man lunch bags.  You are screwed.

4:33-Death Dealer kicking everyone’s asses. He is a monster. He definitely got rage issues.  Probably mommy issues too but now not a good time to bring that up. He still mad about his lunch, hence the power bomb you just received. Mr. Bossman is laughing hysterically at you. That ass is going to win except the Death Dealer then power bombs him and promptly leaves.  So here we are again back to square one.

I hate it when the vending machine have no ketchup chips left in it.

4:42-After a tired back and forth your finally hit him with a flying elbow drop to stun Mr. Bossman and use what left of your brain to crawl out the ring door. Thank Jesus that over with.  Your music is blasting and the place is going nuts. Then the mood changes.  You  look up the ramp and see…Ric Flair.  After a series of woos he starts saying how he should be the one getting a promotion. How he is overlooked and how he going to do everything in his power to make your life a living hell. He admits he tried to run you over because you stand in his way.  In order to be the man you got to beat the man. He dead drops the microphone and leaves.

4:55- You still try to comprehend what happened. You change out of your ring attire and get ready to go home and crawl under your Degeneration X sheets.  Some guy with a microphone runs up to you and asks for your reaction to what just happened. The logical thing to do would be call the cops about the attempted his and run or occupational health and safety about your work place conditions or start looking for a new job cause you just beat the crap out of your boss.  But this is the WWE Universe. You calmly turn to the camera, look right into it and say “Ric, you want a piece of me, tomorrow in front of the whole entire WWE Universe I will show you who the man is. “ Cut to logo and fade to black.

The Last True Preformers

Coconut oiled behemoths with peroxide dyed hair, sprayed on tans and spandex shorts. These are the last true public entertainers. There something about the great dance in the fabled square circle. You can get lost and mesmerized by the large then life spectacle.  Whether it be a 7 foot mammoth of a man, the high flying antics of a masked man or just the insane boasting of a dude whose face is painted,  who if you saw on the street you declare mentally insane. You and I both know the outcomes are predetermined and that no that a man can be hit with a steel chair seven times and just be fine with it but I think that part of the allure. You want to get lost in the absurdity  and the grandeur.

To me its easier to interact and relate to than say a movie or shakespearian play  (though the plots and occasional cross dressing that occurs are very Shakespearian. ) You see unlike a movie where you have to remember plot points, characters ect., any novice can go to a wrestling show and a) quickly learn who to cheer and who to boo (mob mentality at its safest),  be wowed by amazing feats of athletism or when they land face first on a opponent from the top turn buckle or when a guy getting punched even though you know its faked( though sold very well.) Also unlike a movie if five min in to it you know its going to suck it pretty much owns you for the next hour and a half to two hours.  At a wrestling show if a match sucks (which also can be quite entertaining in its self) there another one ready to roll out.

Also there fan interaction. As much as I want to yell at Nic Cage at a movie theater (which is surprisingly frowned upon) you get no immediate reaction from him. When the big bad heel (heel is wrestling term for baddie) come down and you yell that he sucks or flip him the bird (which is a very popular go to move) you get a reaction. Now its his characters reaction which he may have premeditated, but the deep down satisfaction of being acknowledge is satisfying to say the least.

These men and woman have to be actors, stuntmen, public speakers, symbols and imporv artist all at the same time.  And unlike stage actors they don’t give the same performance every night. For example if you are playing Willy from Arthur Millers Death of a Salesman, you already have a character outlined for you and you say the same lines in the same tone just about every night. In wrestling you never know how the crowd will react, how your opponent will react to a move or hell how your own body will react. Let’s face it if you get slammed on a concrete floor you have no idea how your body going to feel (probably pain yes but how much?)

I know wrestling often get frowned upon. There fans are often characterized as Rednecks or uneducated or have no grip on reality. But in truth wrestling fans come from every walk of life. Whether it be young, old, lawyers, men, woman, businessmen or teachers.  Before you judge I ask you to go to one show.  Not necessarily a WWE show but from a local circuit. (There are tons of them out there, you just have to pay attention)  I have faith that at the end of the evening there be at least one sliver of  moment that you will go Wow that was worth it and you will appreciate the work they put into it. (Note: do not try these moves at home. Just had to be said)