Open Letter to Colonel Sanders

Dear Ghost of Colonel Sanders,

Hey buddy, how is it going? I know you are busy and all running dealing with this whole bankruptcy protection mess in Canada. That is a lot for someone to handle let alone doing this being a ghost. You are probably wondering over the year where did you go wrong?

Look I don’t know if it is really your fault or not. Sure the governments basically forced your hand in the tasty trans fats column. I guess they had to protect us from your once succulent chicken. I missed the days you would bring a bucket home and you could see through the box and view those magnificent golden brown pieces. Those were good times. That and that funky Oopee ball you use to have. You remember it was basically a beach ball that you put water in one end and it went all nuts o. Wow what destructive times we had.  (Oh and the looney toons mugs were awesome as well)

But hey that was the past. You have to adapt.  So they took away your fat. I know it hurts but let’s face it your product was slipping.  You 11 herbs and spices seemed to have dropped to 7. I know there no way to verify that but damn it the pop wasn’t there anymore.  You then went from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC. Sure it was shorter and hipper I guess (like lol and omg) but once the words Kentucky and fried disappeared I felt I was just eating regular ass chicken. I think this even affected your French fries. Your fries seem to always be limp and sad. I just don’t know if this was they felt they were an afterthought and lost their self esteem or maybe they just felt they were just a gravy delivery device and they needed not to be strong and proud.  The final nail in the coffin I do believe is when you tried to pass KFC off as Kitchen Fresh Chicken. I have eaten chicken in my kitchen. It in no way resembled this. Maybe in the colonel’s house but never mine.  In the famous words of Chris Berman “Come on man”.

I know you tried to win us back. You tried to adapt. You tried skinless chicken for those health nuts out there, there was the extra crispy stage, and recently it was the double down. But let’s face it. Without the original taste you were bound to fail. Also with chicken joints like Popeyes Chicken and Chick-fil-a breathing down your neck it became quite the cruel chicken market out there.

                Kentucky Fried Chicken use to be a treat. Your grinning goateed faced smiling at us as we scarffed down your chicken (more specifically your chicken skin) your lovely array of coleslaw and mock potato salad (sorry it’s not like homemade potato salad. I’m not even sure if under the definition of salads it’s a salad. I guess it’s better than calling it potatoes with mayo and small red things I think that are radish) A nice side of fries topped with your delicious gravy. But now you are just KFC and well to be honest that not the same.

I wish you the best of luck Colonel. I hope you get everything straightened out and get back to basics. Greasy chicken, succulent gravey and crazy promotions.

 

Sincerely

Josh Meisner

Cheer and Loathing in the Free World: Going to the Moives

by Josh Meisner

Going to the movies is one of my favorite things to do but like many social endeavors there are both positives and negatives to this experience. So without further ado ill skip the movie trivia, past the commercials and trailer and get right to the feature presentation.

Loath: No More Ticket Stubs-This is a small pet peeve of mine. Many people like to save ticket stubs as keepsakes. That very thin piece of card paper felt as it had soul.  Just the textile feel of it made you think you were doing something special. Now all you get is a slip of paper that really has no more sentimental value then a debit recite.

Cheer: Ticket Kiosk- This is a great idea. You don’t have to stand in line; you can zip in on your lunch break and pick up the tickets for the evening and be guaranteed a seat. Quick, simple and effective.

Loath: Ticket Kiosk with food option-What the point of the food option? Ok it be nice if you could pre order your tickets and popcorn if you could just walk in at it be there waiting for you. But if it’s like the theater I go to, the food concession line and the ticket line IS THE SAME LINE. So you are not saving any time or gaining any real advantage.  Your service isn’t faster, your drinks aren’t colder and your popcorn is poppier.

Loath: The book was better-This one drives me batty. Look there reasons why the book might have been better

1) No matter how good of a director you have, or script or CGI, it is almost impossible to translate what you conjure up in your mind up on the screen. The job of an author is to describe an environment, a scene or a mood and let you the reader fill in all the blanks. So when they say Bill is a tall and dark stranger your version of Bill may be different then the on screen portrayal.  It happens, get over with.

2) Time constraints are a big reason film and the books differ. A book can go on and have very little constraints in size. A film must fit into an allotted time frame that determined by budget, the studio and the director. So yes sometimes scenes that you may feel that are important to the story may have to be dropped or condensed. Also some scenes also don’t simply translate well to the screen.

3) Sometimes this is just simply said so that you let everyone know that you read a book. Congrats. You are special and you are a mega fan. Now can I watch this film and see what this directors interpretation is?

Loath:Info Bombing in the Theater-If you have read the book or seen the original of this film or been reading blogs nonstop about said film, please try and keep this info to yourself. Example: I recently saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and a couple next to me kept going on nonstop about plot points.  The whole time I was internally going LALLALALLALLAL. Please be aware other around you may not want know what going to happen.  Don’t ruin it for others around you or want to judge the film on its own merit.

Loath: Scooch over-OK so I arrived early, got a good seat and I am settled in. Then during the trailers a group of 8 people stumble in and ask you to scooch down a few seats so they all can sit together. WTF? I am in my seat, purposely got here early to get a good seat, I have my ass finally comfortable and now you want me to scooch Did I make you go stand in line for 20 minutes to get milk duds? Is it my fault your friend John is always late? Is it my fault it take 2 hours for your girlfriend to Spackle her war paint on? No, that what I thought. Plan ahead and live with the consequences.

Cheer :The theater going experience of community-Seeing a movie in a theatre is one of the last communal things we do in the world. It’s one of the very few things that people of all walks of life can share together.  It doesn’t matter your income or race a group of strangers can stare at a big screen and share screams, laughs and oh my god moments as one.  This for me is the reason why movie theatres still exist and hopefully always will.